“Love but Not Honor”

We have been seeing how cultural values are reflected in language as we learn Nepali. Nepali conjugates its verbs according to the amount of respect paid to the subject. There are four (at least that we know of) levels of respect, each with it’s own conjugation. The lowest form is used for animals, sometimes with children, and with someone you want to insult. The middle form is used to address children, close friends, and family members of lower position. Today, we were learning the middle form of “you” for imperatives, and it led to an interesting discussion with our teacher.

In Nepali husbands address their wives using the middle form, but wives are required to use the high form with their husbands. I shared with Jyoti that this is not to my liking because men and women are equals – that both should show respect to one another. She agreed, but shared that this is part of the culture. She ended her explanation with the familiar one-liner, “Ke garne?” “What is one to do?” Then, she said something really interesting that caught my attention. She said, “In Nepal, the husbands have to love their wives, but they do not need to respect [honor] them.” An interesting statement, I thought. “Is it possible to love without honoring?"

She explained that a lot of the husband and wife social structure is based on Hinduism. In Hinduism, she explained, the husband is like a god to wife, and the wife is supposed to serve the husband. Paul commented that it is interesting how Hinduism, created by men (males), on this level (and many others) codifies what is advantageous to its creators. I shared how I think both husband and wife should serve each other. She agreed, and went on to share how she feels that both should be serving, not just one.

Paul often gets corrected by Nepalese men when he addresses me in the high form. We’re in discussion about whether he should explain why he is using the high form with me, or whether he should just accept the correction in the current situation. Our sense is that people aren’t correcting Paul’s honoring of me, they are just correcting his grammar. That is how deeply the pattern is ingrained in the culture – it is a grammatical error to address one’s wife in the high form!