A new blog

I started a new blog as I've been processing our infertility. If you want to read it, you can go to: http://eggsonpause.blogspot.com/.

Three Dreaded Words

HCG Not Detected...

translated into common language: You are Not Pregnant.

Time to bury another coffin, mourn, and let our hearts heal. I'm not sure what we will do next, and right now, I don't really care to think about it. But, I can definitely use a good soon doo bu (spicy soft tofu soup for those of you who are not familiar with Korean food) or that good, greasy, authentic Chinese food from Newport Seafood just about now. Too bad they are not available here. :(

I apologize if I sound a little stoic, but currently, I just feel a little numb.

However, I want to make sure you know how thankful I am for those of you who have been praying with and for us. It would have been nice to hear and repeat three different words to you all....

My Coping Mechanism

Yesterday, I started having what I would call a "light period." (So sorry if this is way too TMI for some of you) I still have it, but it's still light. I contacted the doctor because I was concerned and he said, "I agree this does not sound promising at all. For now I would suggest you ignore the bleeding and do the blood test as planned on Saturday." I'm not sure how you ignore it since it's right there, but here's my attempt at ignoring it.

Paul and I spent some time thinking about names that we CANNOT give to our kids. I guess it's our way of coping and still holding on to some hope. ;)

Polly
Belle
Otto
Ra-In (Korean?)
Pi
Cosmo
Kar Dio (we made it up)
(all attached to surname Graf)

Do you get it? ;) Hence, we opted out on hyphenating our last name:
Paul Lee-Graf. (say it quickly) ;)

Can you think of any? If so, share them with us.
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Here are a few more that my in-law's have suggested after reading the blog. You can tell they have had a lot more time to think about it! :)

Fono,
Telly,
Mimi O' (- a nod to the Irish),
Spiro (-classical Greek),
and our favorijte reject - Seismo

Check Here for Updates on 2nd Round of IVF

I will be updating only in this posting section. So, for those who want to know more, you can check this specific posting from time to time.

Aug. 29: Yeah!! I got to leave my hotel room and eat breakfast in the hotel restaurant! I'm feeling much better. :) Tomorrow we head home.
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Part 2: I'm not trying to be a drama queen here...hmm...maybe I just am. :0 Anyway, if you're starting to get sick of reading about my physical ailments, don't read on. I know there are some folks who wants to know what is happening and this is the quickest way to disseminate info...

So, maybe this post is jinxed (j/k) ;) because right after I posted saying my fever is down and etc. about 2 hours later, fever came back with force...this time 103.9! What is going on with my body? And you know how I said that my appetite is back?...forget it, it is gone! We'll see how I'm doing tomorrow and then, we'll decide whether to go visit a hospital. I've been rubbing my tummy, praying that the two embies are growing, and talking to them... "Hang in there. Don't give up on me because I haven't given up on you." I'd appreciate your prayers for good health for Paul, me, and the two embies.
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August 27: So, after I posted my last blog saying how great I was feeling, a few hours later, I was pretty much in bed sick with a fever and a painful lower abdominal pain. It was so bloated. I don't know what brought about the sudden shift in the health condition...maybe it was eating too many pineapples, drinking hot tea at the hotel, or maybe it was the ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome? Who knows? Anyway, as you can see, I am feeling better, although I still have abdominal pain, but it is not as excruciating, fever is down, and I have my appetite back (which is always a good sign). This round of IVF has been much more challenging physically, but if we get a baby or two out of this, it would be all worth it!
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August 26: We had 2 embryos transferred last night (2 day transfer for those of you who are more technically aware). One had divided into 5 cells and the other to 3 cells. The doc said they both were grade A, meaning they looked good. This time around they did not have me under anesthesia, but I was awake for the whole thing! It was not bad at all, and I enjoyed talking with the docs, being aware of what is happening, and getting to eat right after the procedure (had to fast for half of the day). I feel good and positive. My gut intuition says this one will work! :) I really hope so. Now, comes the most difficult part--the two weeks of waiting. I'm planning to not obsess over it as much as I can and try not to interpret every little physical sign....easier said than done. :)

If this cycle is a dud, we'll talk again what we will do... the doc basically said he would recommend egg donor or adoption because my eggs are no good, even with the highest dosage given..... but right now, I'm just praying for the two precious cells inside. Please keep them & us in your prayers. (By the way, we're praying for twins. Then, we'll be done! unless we decide we want more.... :) We head home on the 30th and go in for beta test on Sept.8, although the result will be available a few days later.
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Aug. 24: Last night we had eight eggs retrieved (we were all surprised bc we were all expecting maybe four). Today, we learned that only two have made it to single cell--fertilization. I'm feeling still kind of raw from the news. As you can imagine, I have a lot of thoughts running through my mind and I'm sad. Only two.... Please pray that the two will survive, that the cells will divide and become healthy embryos. We need a miracle here. I go in tomorrow night for the transfer...hopefully we will have two to transfer.
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Aug.22: We're going in for egg retrieval on Thurs. at 6pm and then shortly after that fertilization will happen. My fever is gone although I still have stomach cramps and feeling nauseated. I have complete aversion to food right now (I know, I can't believe it myself), which sucks because there are plenty of options here for seafood and etc. Right now, all I want to eat is saltine crackers and 7-up....maybe this is good preparation for the first trimester? ;)
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August 18: It looks like we have four follicles that look normal, one that might be a cyst and one small one. So, it can be anywhere between 4-6 follicles, kind of similar to the last cycle. Please pray that they grow to become good viable eggs. I have another appointment on Tues. for a blood test to see if they can learn more about the quality of the eggs, and another ultrasound. We'll learn more on Tues. and until then, continue with the shots....I had a chocolate croissant for comfort food. :)
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Aug. 16: We're in Mumbai, settled in our hotel, borrowing someone's wireless and resting. Our flight from Kolkata to Mumbai was cancelled, but the sister airline put us on their flight, and arrived in Mumbai earlier than scheduled! :) We have our first doctor's appointment tomorrow to see how many follicles are growing.

Confirmed..No Pregnancy

I went in today to take another urine test as suggested by my doc, and I was surprised to learn that my Beta HCG blood test result had come in. It said: "HCG NOT DETECTED." So, it is confirmed: I am not pregnant.

The blood test result was not scheduled to come in until next Monday. I received it as grace from God so that I can have some closure and move forward. I am bummed, but I still feel hopeful that God will grant us children in His time.

We're going to try naturally this month and meanwhile, plan for another IVF cycle. God's ways are mysterious and we trust He knows what is best for us even in our disappointment.

"Surely, goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life...." Psalm 23:6

Come See Our Kids

We have four kids! Okay, we know that the likelihood of giving birth to all four is almost zero. But, we transferred four growing embryos from the petri dish into Rebecca. We are praying for the life of each one, though we understand that it is a natural process that probably some (or none) will implant, and some will not. This has all been made a little more tangible for us because we got to see our kids with the microscope. We wanted to share this with you.

You can only see three of the four (I didn't get the camera rolling fast enough). At this point in time two of our kids were two cells, and two were four (now, five days later, they should be over 100 cells!).

Thanks for praying with us in this process.

For those of you who want to see the earliest moments (we hope this isn't TMI) here's the actual fertilization.

Final IVF Update

Good news! It was amazing to see life in its earliest forms. Out of five fertilized eggs that became single cells, four had divided. Two had divided into two cells and the other two divided into four cells. The doctor said that they did much better than he had expected and that the two four celled ones were like what you'd see in a text-book. By the surgery time, one of the two cells had already multiplied into three cells. I had all four embryos transferred into my uterus!

Now, the next hurdle is for the cell(s) to continue dividing and eventually implant. They are still quite fragile. On July 4, we will get a blood test to confirm pregnancy. It's just incredible to think that there are four possibly growing inside me. We know that there is always the possibility that none may make it, or all four will make it! But, we rejoice in the fact that currently there is life growing inside, eventhoug there are still hurdles to pass. We're praying that all four will make it, if God wills. We want them all to live. We ask that you continue to pray for the little ones inside me. We are grateful that our God is the giver of life and that our lives are in His hands. We will share more as we find out. Keep your ears tuned.

IVF Update 4.5 -- Single cells

I am feeling great today. Yesterday I had 5 eggs extracted, but I didn't feel a thing as I was under anesthesia. I remember telling the doc that I felt a little nervous, answering a few questions about any allergies I have, getting a shot in my arm, and thinking wow, the ceiling is spinning, and then I woke up semi-conscious in a room with Paul laughing because I had asked some funny questions.

I tried to go and watch the eggs being fertilized, but I felt so dizzy and nauseous when I stood up I had to lie back down. Paul watched and recorded the whole thing with the camera. When I get home, maybe I'll try to post it with YouTube. I have no pain at all. I've been impressed with how competent the doctors are here. God also has been very gracious through this whole process.

We learned just a few minutes ago that all eggs have successfully fertilized! I didn't expect all five to be fertilized, so this is definitely good news. They are in single cell stage and the cells need to start dividing. We are encouraged by the news. It's so weird to think that we have 5 little ones growing in Petri dishes fighting for life! We named them Stacy, Gayle, Sam, Jaime, and Alex (androgynous names :)) and praying that all would live, if God willing. But, we're also aware that none may live. It is in God's hands and we're praying that we would be thankful no matter what the result is. Thank you for praying with us.

IVF Update 4

This is a "live from the clinic" update here. Rebecca just had 5 eggs extracted, and is now sleeping off the anesthesia. In a few minutes I get to watch the eggs being fertilized! The process has been smooth so far, but we still have some significant hurdles to cross: first the eggs must successfully fertilize, and then the cells must divide before they are transferred back to Rebecca. On Wednesday we will know how many viable embryos we have to transfer. The doctor said that our eggs are of "not great" quality, which means our chances of producing "good" quality embryos is less. You can pray that the fertilization and first few days of life for our potential (very soon to be real) children would be successful so that they can implant and make it through the first trimester (the next two big hurdles).

IVF Update 3

Yesterday, I got another ultrasound. The doc thinks that the four eggs are growing nicely in my right ovary. He's hoping that the two in my left would grow in the next couple of days. I am no longer on drugs. I can tell my hormone is changing because I've been feeling nauseated and just not 100% today. Tomorrow morning at 4:30am, I am supposed to take HCG which is to trigger ovulation and I go in on Monday for retrival and fertilization. Monday, we will know more the condition of my eggs. We are prayerfully hopeful.

Mumbai is definitely in the pre-monsoon phase as we've had rain everyday, although not very heavy. It has cooled down a bit and sometimes you can feel the cool sea breeze. I was telling Paul how the weather has been quite pleasant the last couple of days, and he reminded me how my standards have changed. :) Oh, one thing I have really enjoyed doing is sitting in a coffee shop, sipping a cool drink while enjoying a good novel. I remember thinking a month ago, how much I missed being able to go to Starbucks or a bookstore just to sit, browse, or to read. No plush couches in this particular coffee shop, but there are enough foreigners around to make me feel like I'm back in the States. :) Anyway, I will definitely have to write more about Mumbai (at least about the area of Colaba) when I get back home. It's a great metropolitan city, with a flair of Europe (reminds us of Paris at different places) and some resemblance of San Francisco.

IVF Update 2

Today, we visited our clinic, met our doctors, and had the first ultrasound since taking the meds. Paul asked Dr. Malpani, "What is it that we're hoping to see from the ultrasound?" His response was "growing eggs, and if possible, at least eight." I have four eggs that are growing (and probably will mature) in my right ovary, but the two eggs in my left ovary probably will not mature. On Friday, I will be going in again for another ultrasound. He said that the extraction will most likely happen on Monday.

It would have been nice to hear that we had 4 eggs growing in both ovaries, but I am content with four on my right. I am praying that the 2 eggs on the left will also mature in the next couple of days. Please pray that the eggs would continue to grow and mature. He said Monday, or whenever we extract, we will know more how healthy and viable my eggs are. Let's continue to pray. I feel so young...would have never guessed my eggs are old! :)

On a different note, we have eaten at McDonald's for lunch almost everyday except for yesterday! (But, we're getting sick of it.) :) No hambugergers are available, but we've had McChicken and FishOFillet. We don't have to worry about breakfast and dinner as they are included in the total cost of our stay at the YWCA. The YWCA is really a great deal for its location, AC room, and meals!

Thanks for all your prayers and love!

IVF Update 1

My ultrasound scan showed that I have a small ovarian cyst (21mm), but it's below 30mm so I'm okay. I can now begin taking the other injection for superovulation. The hope is that I will produce lots of good eggs for retrieval and fertilization.

Over the phone, my specialist shared with me very frankly but nicely that I have two strikes going against me, as far as he can tell. 1) My age 2) low antral follicle count--it's a good indicator of how many eggs might be available. My right ovary showed no evidence of antral folllicle. He's afraid that I may not be able to produce lots of good eggs. (Basically every woman is born with a certain number of eggs and as you age they become depleted. In my situation, although I'm 34, my ovarian reserve appears to be older.) He said next Tues. when we are in Mumbai for our next ultrasound, it will be the moment of truth. There is a possibility that we may have to cancel the treatment. (For those of you who are interested in reading more you can go to this link: http://www.drmalpani.com/oopause.htm

Please pray that the meds will help me to produce lots of good eggs. I've been given a very high dosage for this purpose. In terms of how I'm doing, I'm okay. The local hospital visit was more exhausting than anticipated (and I'm not sure how accurate the ultrasound scan was...the doctor didn't seem very confident). Other than that, I've decided that I'm not going to worry about it, as worrying about it won't change my situation. Let's pray in faith for God's healing. Children are a gift from God, whether it is done in a petris dish or naturally. :)

Perspective...

Today, I feel really grateful to be India. Why? Living here gives me perspective and challenges my heart to accept difficulties with more grace, humor, patience, and faith.

So, as I start my injections for IVF today, I begin with a perspective that only a few kilometers away, there are babies and children suffering from malnourishment and heart problems, men and women begging for food, and people toiling to earn a few rupees to live. I get to choose my clinic, while others must accept what is given. I begin the treatment with the perspective and understanding of how privileged I am. I think I might be just starting to grasp Scott Peck's words....

"Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult--once we truly understand and accept it--then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters."

Why IVF?

In 2001, after finishing graduate school, we decided that we should take three weeks to see Europe. We did just that and it was really fun and memorable. (We were so young then...:) I still want to go back to Rome so that we can visit the catacombs. Like many couples, it was supposed to be our sort of last "fling" before starting a family. I never once considered that I wouldn't be able to conceive. Since summer of 2001, we've had plenty of other trips to many different places of the world. I also attended many baby showers (there was a quick shift from bridal to baby) and got to hold many newborns. While my friends adjusted to a completely different life, I enjoyed the freedom that came with not having kids. But, I also struggled with deep feelings of disappointment, anger, pain, depression, and resentment toward God as we struggled to get pregnant and had unsuccessful attempts at infertility treatment (IUI).

But, as God is, He has been faithful, merciful, and good. He used the story of the centurion in Matthew 8:5-13 to reveal to me my skewed theology. To summarize it in the simplest way I can think of, the centurion understood what "authority" meant. This revelation helped me to turn a corner, and begin the process of surrendering and accepting.

There was a period where it felt right to put aside our desire for starting a family and actively be involved in other things God was inviting us into. We experienced a lot of joy doing that.

Before coming to India, we told ourselves that we would give ourselves six months to adjust before opening up the discussion of treatment or adoption. We spent some time in Jan. to pray about adoption, but we didn't feel like God was leading us toward adoption then. Meanwhile, after doing some research, we realized that adoption, normally a complicated process, is even more so while living in India. So, we laid it aside and continued to pray.

About 2 months ago, I read an article in Newsweek about an infertility clinic in India that has an international reputation. Out of curiosity, I sent the doctor an email and shared with him our situation. It led to a few more email exchanges. While living in the States, we had leaned away from IVF because of the cost. But, we didn't feel ready to pursue adoption and the timing didn't feel right as we were preparing to move to here. As we explored the possiblity of IVF treatment here, we found that it is much more affordable (so much so that lots of foreigners have been coming for treatment).

We don't know whether this procedure will be successful, but we are going in with open hands and open hearts, trusting in Jesus' faithfulness, mercy, and goodness. Please pray for us.

If you're curious about how we're doing in the process, you can check the blog for any updates.