We are finding that each time we leave and return to India, our transition takes shorter time and is much easier. This time around, it really felt like we're returning home. Paul was back to work the day after and we have been able to enjoy reconnecting with friends. This morning, I took Elijah to one of his Indian friend's place and he had a great time singing, playing, jumping up and down on the bed, and riding his friend's bike.
The initial shock I must admit was walking into our apartment and realizing how small it felt. I guess we had gotten used to spacious living space. The noise maker is back on because I can hear the banging of pans and pots of our neighbors, the honking on the street, and the noise from T.V. blaring. The noise maker is on for me, more than for Elijah! ;) And, of course, there is always something that needs fixing when you return--our faucet in the kitchen broke and we had the plumber come and fix it. It seems like it is working well, and perhaps it will also mean better water pressure in the bathroom so that I can actually have a hot shower. There is mold growing from the monsoon weather and everything feels a little wet. But, it will soon be over. Despite some of the inconveniences, we feel thankful for Elizabeth who has worked hard to keep our place nice and clean, for Saliendra, our driver who works also as our "trouble shooting" guy so that Paul can go to work because he can manage the plumber, and various friends who make us feel so welcome. It is good to be back.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Wednesday, August 04, 2010
A quiet moment
Unfortunately, I haven't had very much of this while I've been in the States. It has been so hectic. I actually got a couple of hours of quiet time yesterday while Paul was out with Elijah for prayer, some reflection, piano playing, and reading. It was good for my soul. But, what it also did for me is to help me get in touch with my anxiety. I woke up this morning at 3:30am wide awake with feelings of hunger (thanks to twin pregnancy) and just feelings of anxiety. Instead of lying in bed thinking about my anxiety, I decided that I should take some time in the early morning to pray while all is quiet here. Of course, I can't quite figure out how to use Paul's laptop and his word program (not microsoft) so I'm using the blog. I've become so accustomed to typing out my prayers or using my laptop as my journal....
I am feeling anxious. Yes, I do feel overwhelmed at the idea of having three kids under the age of two and a half in six months, but in the larger scheme of things, I feel like that is doable. I am just going to be tired for the next four years of my life and that is a reality that I need to accept. I can also get hired help in India which makes it more doable. I think it will mean that I need to be willing to go more the "Indian" way of doing things--because as I think about it, it will be more work to try to train people to do it "my" way than for me to be flexible and learn some of their ways, which have their advantages in terms of "diaper free" training and infant massages. The only thing I can think of that is a non-negotiable for me is the hygiene stuff and that, I can train.
But, what I am feeling anxious about is the decision about what we are going to do three months from now when I am in my 24th week of pregnancy and we have to be somewhere near a NICU and I need to make sure I am getting a lot of rest. Both my OB/Gyn and fertility doctors have said to us that I will have preterm labor and that I need to make sure that I find help watching Elijah because if I'm chasing him around, I most likely will have to go on bed-rest. I cannot imagine myself going on bed-rest....that would drive me crazy!
Initially, I was leaning toward going to Thailand and delivering there. I thought, "Why not? I can hire help (hire a Nepali girl and she can be a good conversation partner and have her watch Elijah), the hospitals there are great, and it's near India so our flight back won't be so brutal." It seemed like a win-win situation. But, as I spent some time praying and reflecting yesterday, it was apparent to me that it is another big transition. I've been living in so many different places this past year and it would mean that we would have to go through another transition with establishing new relationships, a new place, a new city ( we've only passed through Bangkok), no friends, no family, another transition for Elijah, etc. I thought it would be a good place where Paul can continue to work as there are ministry opportunities among Nepali refugees there and if he has to, he can take a quick flight back to India. But, now I'm not sure if it is the best option. Perhaps, the last three months of pregnancy should be more about us as a family preparing for the big transition rather than trying to continue with all that we're doing and going through another "minor" transition before the big one. I don't want to enter delivery wiped out.
However, being back in the States also has its difficulties. For one, we have no place to live. The Ivy house where we had stayed when Elijah was born is not available. It's expensive to live here and we're already short on our funds. Family is spread all over and although I know they'd be willing to help in anyway possible, the reality is that they're also busy juggling family and work. I admit that it is my own doing too that we have been so busy here but I also see how busy life is here in Los Angeles, and it is really hard to keep up honestly. I've been telling my friends in India that I am waiting to go back because the pace of life here is too intense.
So, I find myself in a quandary and feeling anxious about the decision that we have to make. I guess we have some time to pray, think, and weigh the pros and cons, but not much time. And, of course, it is at times like this that I feel the cost of selling our house, uprooting, and leaving what used to be our home.
Jesus, you know our needs and my anxieties. I ask you to guide our steps as you have so faithfully done so as we look ahead to the next transition(s) in our lives. Thank you that one promise always remains--"I will be with you always."
I am feeling anxious. Yes, I do feel overwhelmed at the idea of having three kids under the age of two and a half in six months, but in the larger scheme of things, I feel like that is doable. I am just going to be tired for the next four years of my life and that is a reality that I need to accept. I can also get hired help in India which makes it more doable. I think it will mean that I need to be willing to go more the "Indian" way of doing things--because as I think about it, it will be more work to try to train people to do it "my" way than for me to be flexible and learn some of their ways, which have their advantages in terms of "diaper free" training and infant massages. The only thing I can think of that is a non-negotiable for me is the hygiene stuff and that, I can train.
But, what I am feeling anxious about is the decision about what we are going to do three months from now when I am in my 24th week of pregnancy and we have to be somewhere near a NICU and I need to make sure I am getting a lot of rest. Both my OB/Gyn and fertility doctors have said to us that I will have preterm labor and that I need to make sure that I find help watching Elijah because if I'm chasing him around, I most likely will have to go on bed-rest. I cannot imagine myself going on bed-rest....that would drive me crazy!
Initially, I was leaning toward going to Thailand and delivering there. I thought, "Why not? I can hire help (hire a Nepali girl and she can be a good conversation partner and have her watch Elijah), the hospitals there are great, and it's near India so our flight back won't be so brutal." It seemed like a win-win situation. But, as I spent some time praying and reflecting yesterday, it was apparent to me that it is another big transition. I've been living in so many different places this past year and it would mean that we would have to go through another transition with establishing new relationships, a new place, a new city ( we've only passed through Bangkok), no friends, no family, another transition for Elijah, etc. I thought it would be a good place where Paul can continue to work as there are ministry opportunities among Nepali refugees there and if he has to, he can take a quick flight back to India. But, now I'm not sure if it is the best option. Perhaps, the last three months of pregnancy should be more about us as a family preparing for the big transition rather than trying to continue with all that we're doing and going through another "minor" transition before the big one. I don't want to enter delivery wiped out.
However, being back in the States also has its difficulties. For one, we have no place to live. The Ivy house where we had stayed when Elijah was born is not available. It's expensive to live here and we're already short on our funds. Family is spread all over and although I know they'd be willing to help in anyway possible, the reality is that they're also busy juggling family and work. I admit that it is my own doing too that we have been so busy here but I also see how busy life is here in Los Angeles, and it is really hard to keep up honestly. I've been telling my friends in India that I am waiting to go back because the pace of life here is too intense.
So, I find myself in a quandary and feeling anxious about the decision that we have to make. I guess we have some time to pray, think, and weigh the pros and cons, but not much time. And, of course, it is at times like this that I feel the cost of selling our house, uprooting, and leaving what used to be our home.
Jesus, you know our needs and my anxieties. I ask you to guide our steps as you have so faithfully done so as we look ahead to the next transition(s) in our lives. Thank you that one promise always remains--"I will be with you always."
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