The End of 2008

Today, on Dec. 31st, I remember my friend Midi and her son, Nathan who were tragically lost in a car accident on New Year's Day 2008. I thank God for the ways that God has sustained her surviving husband and son. In midst of all the holiday celebration and preparation for baby Elijah's arrival, I can tell that my mind is also processing and trying to prepare myself for this tragic anniversary through dreams. I can still recollect vividly where I was and at what time I heard the news, and in some ways, it feels surreal that it has been almost a year.

Year 2008 has been a particularly hard year for many people with whom we are close. It has been a year where suffering through losses, especially death have particularly affected our friends' lives (and directly or indirectly affecting us). I end year 2008 ever more aware of God's mysterious ways and His sovereignty and acutely aware of my frailty and humanness. I thank Him that He is God and we are His children, that He is the Creator and we are creatures who He created in His image and for His glory. I don't know what year 2009 holds for all of us (in reality what tomorrow holds), but I am grateful that God gave us today and that He can be trusted today and tomorrow. I thank God that death does not hold the last word for those of us who are in Jesus and that He is the giver of life.

Where did the time go?

I can't believe it! P has been back for a month already. The last month has gone by so quickly. Multiple visits with family and friends over the holidays have definitely made time fly by....

I can't believe that next Thursday is my due date! We will see whether baby Elijah comes on time, early, or late, but I can't believe we are almost there.... Someone at Trader Joe's said to me, "Well, this will be your last quiet holiday for you! Enjoy it!" Wow!!! It is unbelievable and feels somewhat surreal for me still... I have been having some contractions but they don't seem to last, so who knows when Elijah will show up. He's moving around a lot and I can't wait to see what his little personality will be like.

On Christmas morning, P and I went in to labor and delivery at Glendale Adventist to get our second non-stress test for the week. We asked if there were any Christmas babies and there were two. But, on Dec. 23, they had 20 deliveries!! Crazy! I hope Elijah comes when it is not so busy in the hospital so that he could (and I could) get all the help we might need. I plan on asking the nurses about everything from nursing to whatever that comes up in my mind.

I have been wondering at times, if for whatever reason the doctor decides we need to be induced, whether it is better to be induced with the possibility that I might end up with a c-section still, or whether it would be better to just go straight for the c-section.... Any thoughts? In my mind, the worst case scenario would be to be induced, go through a long labor, and then end up having to do a c-section anyway.... I don't want that scenario to become a reality for me, but I guess it is always a possibility. I just have to remember that it is not the most ideal situation, but many people have been through it and have come through it fine.

Slightly Underweight...

I went in for my weekly twice a week nonstress test with my peri and today he did an ultrasound to check baby Elijah's growth rate and to make sure that the amniotic fluid was at a good level. The nonstress tests have been coming out fine, which is great! However, he shared that Elijah is slightly under 10th percentile in terms of fetal measurement (Small for Gestational Age), but that overall, everything else looks fine. It is common with Single Umbilical Artery. He has not been growing as much or as quickly as they had expected. But, he seemed reassured that my placenta seems to be functioning normally. I'll get another ultrasound done next week to make sure that Elijah is doing well. He also shared that my ob/gyn might decide it would be better to deliver the baby sooner than later. After my peri visit, I spoke with my ob/gyn and she said that because the doppler result came out fine, it would be better to wait and see what the result is from next Monday's ultrasound. She said that I will be monitored carefully so to not worry. So, I will be going in on Christmas day to labor and delivery to get my second nonstress test for the week because they want to make sure he is being monitored regularly. I am thankful to be in good hands and to have close monitoring.

Week 37 Photo

Paul and I took this photo at a friend's wedding today.

Things I never did but I do now that I'm pregnant...

• Snore! Yes, it's kind of embarrasing to admit it, but it is true. When Paul shared with me that I've been snoring at night, I didn't believe him. Then, I woke myself up a couple of times with my loud snores. I was even startled by it!! It happened even this afternoon while I was taking a nap... I never snored...okay, maybe not never, but I never consistently snored, but I do now that I am pregnant. Why? I don't know...I haven't googled to figure it out...
  
• Crave sweets: For those of you who know me well, I always have said that if I have room for dessert, I would prefer to eat another meal. Well, that logic has been replaced by the urge to eat chocolate, ice-cream, Starbucks coffee (crazy!), and brownies. My husband is a happy camper.
• Avoid Korean food, especially kimchee: Each time I go into Hankook Market in Glendale, I literally feel sick and I try to get out of there as fast a possible...I cannot touch, smell, or eat kimchee. The pungent smell is too unbearable! I know it is hard to believe, but it can happen to the best of Koreans who once were loyal to all that Korean food had to offer. I feel like my smell, taste buds, and digestive system have been taken over by an alien.
• I prefer bread over rice, cheese over kimchee, and chicken noodle soup over ramen. I have been replaced by some other being...
  
• Sleep on my left side with a body pillow: I like to sleep on my right side or on my back, but I have been trained to sleep on my left side.... it is not that bad anymore, but it took a while to get used to!
• Get up in the middle of the night to get a snack--usually string cheese!
• Have a glass of water next to bed for a drink throughout the night

We will see whether these new habits continue even after the birth or they stop for good! ;)

Trying to Prepare for Elijah's Arrival

It has been great to be back together with P. He has been wonderful in taking care of me, from cooking to cleaning to keeping me company. He also finished the book on marriage that I had read and wanted him to read in an effort to help us prepare for the biggest transition together and we had some time to discuss it. More than anything, being together allows us to be in partnership and more often than not, we enjoy partnering together. It will be interesting to see how well we partner in this new adventure, but we both feel deeply commited to each other, our marriage, and working hard to partner well. In our desire to prepare for labor and delivery, we watched a Lamaze video which had some helpful information, like a segment of the actual birthing of a baby! But, P also felt like it was kind of counter-intuitive as so much of the method is focused on keeping yourself distracted by practicing the breathing techniques so that you don't focus on the pain. I'm not sure how one can remember all the breathing methods when you are in so much pain! So we went to the library to see if we could find some information on the Bradley Method. We have only vaguely heard about it. Although we found a book written by Dr. Bradley himself, as we read further, P and I both felt that it was poorly written and his arguments not very convincing. I didn't feel like he had a strong argument for why natural childbirth is better. At this point, I do not feel as though I have a strong opinion about doing natural birth or medicated birth (epidural), and I'm not sure I am necessarily interested in forming a strong opinion on one or the other. What I want to do is to try to go as long as I can through the first stage of labor at home with P's help before going into the hospital. We will see whether that happens, but P is really motivated to partner in the labor process so that we can do that. We found a book that we felt was more practical with helpful tips about how to help me to relax while in labor called Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way. The focus is not about distracting oneself, but figuring out ways to relax so that I can be fully engaged. I have no idea how we will do when the time comes, but I think we are going to learn how to work together so that I can relax!

I can't believe I am almost at full term! Two more days until I reach week 37. I have been feeling great. I don't know whether I am experiencing what is often referred to as the "nesting instinct" where you get a burst of energy and feel like you can do a lot, but I feel less tired and more energetic than the beginning of the third trimester. I have been going in to see my perinatologist twice a week starting two weeks ago for fetal non-stress test just to make sure everything is okay. It was confirmed that I have "single umbilical artery" so I think they're just being cautious. I don't mind the extra monitoring.

I am hoping that baby Elijah arrives by the due date, but we will have to wait and see when he decides to make his grand entrance into the world! My doctor thinks he will be a January baby because my cervix is "closed very tightly". So, who knows, maybe he will come later than Jan. 8? I hope that is not the case, but I have very little control over that! It is surreal to think that my life as I have known it will never be the same!!

My prince charming is back!!

Yes!! He's back and I couldn't be happier!! Currently, he's sound asleep after being on the road for 36+ hours. He asked me to wake him up after 30 minutes of sleep, but now, it has been 1.5 hours... I tried waking him up but he fell right back asleep. I think after two hours of sleep, he probably will be more refreshed than a short cat nap.... My first reaction (after the initial sheer happiness) in seeing him? "He lost weight!" He was already pretty lean, but he is leaner... Because I had been hearing about all the different experimentation with cooking he was engaged in while he was alone in India, I just assumed that he would have maintained his old weight.... well, this goes to show you that husbands, no matter how competent they are, don't fare as well without their wives!! ;) (There are various reasons for this phenomena in my opinion, which I won't go into detail here...) I guess I'll just have to work my magic to fatten him up a bit before we return to India! ;)

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!! I know I have much to be thankful for this year!!

An Invitation to Chat

I was on skype this morning with P. We have been able to talk almost everyday for free for an hour or more, which has been so wonderful. As we were talking, P interrupts me and tells me that he just got an invitation to chat on skype from "--- sexy" with a skimpy bikini top photo of herself. We thought it was humorous that "she" would send this invitation while he and I were on line talking. So, we decided that he should respond. The chat conversation went like this:

---- sexy: Chat?
P: No I’m on the other line with my wife.
----sexy: My husband just left the house. Feeling lonely…. Wanna chat.
P: No, maybe you should chat with my wife if you’re lonely.

After the last answer, I guess she got the point and gave up. She basically let him know that if he wants to chat, he can go on this particular website. He found "block this user" function and blocked her from skype. I had no idea that even on skype they are prowling for people to devour... It's really sad when I think about it. But, we also found it humorous since we were both on line and P was telling me what was happening. I jokingly said, "How do these people know that we have been apart for almost 8 weeks?" There are some wonderful things about the internet and skype (such as being able to stay connected to your loved ones even from thousands of miles apart), but it is another thing that can be used to tempt and lure us into indulging in sin. I was reminded of the story of Cain and Abel, where God says to Cain after he was angry that his offering was not accepted by God, "....if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door. It's desire is for you, but you must rule over it." (Gen. 4:7b) Although P and I found it some what humorous, it was another reminder that sin is crouching at the door (on the internet, t.v., etc.), that it's desire is for us, and that we must rule over it.

On a different note, I am soooooo excited that P will be home in two (yes!!!) days!!! I was sharing with him that I haven't been this excited in a while!!!

Refugees

Can you imagine what it would be like to have lived a life of a refugee almost all of your life in a developing country and then to find yourself resettled in one of the richest nations in the world called America? Most people I have met while living in India and in Nepal are fascinated with America and if they could get the opportunity to be here, they would come. But, many of them don't realize that once they get here, how different life is and how difficult it can be. P and I have had interactions with different folks in India and Nepal where they would ask about how they could get a visa to the U.S. We have also had people ask us questions about America, such as, "So, are most people farmers? Do they have their own land? Do you buy gas cylinders for your stove too? What do you mean there is constant hot running water?" And, the questions go on. Just by the questions that people ask, we realize that if they came to America, they would feel completely lost. But, when you are a refugee who have had no rights to any land, without a place to call "home" for over 16 years, I would imagine America would be even more fascinating and daunting at the same time.

Today, Grace Huang and I went to visit a Nepali family (refugees from Nepal/Bhutan) who have been resettled in Covina. I visited them twice before, but this time I wanted Grace to come with me because since she has been to India, I knew she would at least understand some of the disorientation that the refugees might feel. (She also was gracious to drive...) Many of us are immigrants, but we had the luxury of having family be our guide and help in our transition. But, refugees, they are for the most part on their own, it seems. I have never worked with refugees before so this is all new to me. But, so far, what it appears is that they receive the initial help of being settled into an apartment by a nonprofit and the initial paper work of getting their identification card, social security, etc, but after that, they are for the most part, on their own. These refugees, they have no one--no extended family members nearby. They only have each other. I haven't done a lot of research to find out, but Covina doesn't have pockets of Nepali population... they probably would have found them if there was one, one way or another... Of course, it has made me to wonder how they choose where to resettle folks...

A couple of weeks ago, I spent a few hours with them and asked what is it that they want to do or feel like they want help with. They quickly told me that they wanted to go to the library. They want to know where it is. We found the library, got library cards, showed them how to access the internet, check out books, CDs, and DVDs, and gave them a quick tour. We spent some time filling out a job application for Target on line. (Everything is done on line now, I noticed...even two years ago, there were still paper applications, but I haven't seen any since I've been back...) What would normally take 30 minutes maximum for us, it took them two hours as we went through each step one by one. One of the brothers (Arun) said to me as we were leaving, "Wow... we were only able to send one application." He was both happy that he was able to do that but also surprised at the process too. Arun's English is good and he has completed high school so if an opportunity arises, he can get at least a minimum wage job.... Then, we made a stop at Vons supermarket, showed them the kiosk where they can electronically fill out an application, and I introduced them to the mananger. I told them that when they inquire about a job position, always ask to speak to the manager because they are involved in the hiring process and to go and follow-up on your application a week or two after you submit it. I found out today that they followed-up on their own at Target regarding the positions they had applied for and learned that the positions have been filled.

Today, they needed to wire some money to Nepal, but didn't know where Western Union was and how to do it. I looked on line before I went to see them and noticed that it was only a few blocks from their house. So, we went, wired some money, and ran a few errands. While we were doing this, Geetha (one of the sisters) said to me, "On top of the stove and oven, there is this on and off switch." So, I asked her, "When you turn on the switch what does it do?" She replied, "It turns on the fan and the other turns on the light in the oven." I said, "Yes." She then proceeded to ask, "Do I need to turn it on and then turn it off when I use the stove?" What I realized was that she was wondering if the switch functioned like a on/off valve for gas. In India/Nepal, we have to purchase gas cylinders for our stove, and people turn off the valve after use so that there is no gas leakage. She was explaining to me how she was scared that perhaps maybe they are not using it correctly... We also learned that they have been purchasing bottled water because someone had told them to never drink tap water. They were told that they will get diabetes from drinking tap water. Grace was there to reassure them that her husband is a water engineer and he drinks from tap all the time. I can see how they are freaked out by it since so many illnesses in developing nations are waterborne diseases. As Grace and I were dropping them off at their place after the errands, Geetha said, "Didi (big sister), I am really happy that you prayed for my mother's arm. Eventhough my mother's arm has been hurting, no one here, not even the church folks have offered to pray for her." I realized then that their experience of the church is even quite different and how people deal with illness. In India/Nepal, when someone is ill, we pray. We do see doctors, get medicine, and get surgeries done, but we pray. I didn't realize no one had prayed for her achy arm.

My heart goes out to them. Many more will begin to resettle in America and I pray that the church would extend their resources, knowledge, time, and energy out of love for the foreigners whom God loves. I wonder at times if people are intimidated at the idea of helping refugees because it feels so foreign. I don't know what kind of resources are out there to help people feel more equipped perhaps to extend their helping hands, but I feel like if a couple of folks "adopt" one family and is willing to spend a couple of hours a week or every two weeks to make themselves available, a lot of good can be done. They do need "stuff" but, they have lived with much less and can manage without certain things. But more than stuff, they need friends and people who can patiently show them where things are, how to access information, and defend them when people try to take advantage of their ignorance so that they can become more independent. America likes to promote itself as a nation where anything is possible.... It is a land of opportunities, but no one has made it alone. Someone at some point provided something that one needed to begin moving forward. I am praying that there would be those kinds of people for them.

I have at times wondered since being back how might my language learning and my experience in India/Nepal might be used for good, if one day P and I ended up living in the States again. I feel as though God has shown me one of many unseen potential opportunities....

By the way, if any one is interested in finding out ways you can be of help to the two refugee families, please let me know by sending me an email. :)

Happpenings...

• P is coming back to the States on Nov. 26!! I've started the count down. I can't wait until he gets here. He'll be returning as I start week 35.... we don't have very much time to ourselves before Elijah arrives. We're trying to gear up for what will be the biggest transition together as much as we can from distance, but it will be nice to do so in person! My college friend Anne gave me a book titled, "Transition to Parenthood," which talks about how your first child affects your marriage. It's been an interesting read and I'm looking forward to discussing it more in depth with P when he gets back.
  
• I checked myself in at Labor and Delivery on Wed. late afternoon because I was experiencing cramping, nausea, diarrhea, and a lot of pelvic pressure. I called the doctor and she told me to drink lots of fluid and lie down. I did that and I felt a bit better so I got up and did grocery shopping (probably not the smartest thing to do in retrospect). But, I started feeling badly again, so I thought since I was out, I should just go and get myself checked, just in case. It's kind of difficult to know what is exactly happening, what is normal, not normal, etc. since I've never experienced pregnancy before. I went on line to read more about how to figure out whether you're experiencing contraction or not because I realized that I just had no idea. My friends have described the sensation as tightening of the uterus like a ball, but I always just assumed it was tight because the kid is moving and his butt is sticking out! (Although his butt must be pretty huge if that theory was true!! hahaha!!) Anyway, now, I know what a relaxed uterus feels like and what a contracting uterus feels like. :) So, I checked myself in, they monitored me and the baby (who was doing great), gave me some IV, and drugs to relax my uterus. I guess I was experiencing "uterine irritability" and they wanted to see if it would relax after some time. It did, so I came back home. Yesterday, as I was driving, I experienced strong pelvic pressure again and I was assessing every few seconds whether I think I could continue driving or whether I should get off the road. I decided that at the end, I could make it home. I turned the AC on as cold as possible (because I started sweating profusely), talked to myself loudly (just to keep my mine alert), and got home. I fell asleep for a couple of hours... I guess I was just exhausted.
  
• I have decided that even though I think I have slowed down significantly, I really need to take it easy. Everyday since Monday, I would experience sudden light-headedness and the feeling that I am gonna pass out. It comes unexpectantly and honestly, I've been freaked out by it at times. So, these days, I always carry my cellphone, even when I go to the bathroom, just in case... I know it is due to my low blood pressure. One thing I am having to get used to is getting up slowly.... I literally have to talk to myself, "get up slowly" because I am not used to it. I've also stocked up the fridge with small bottles of apple juice and some snacks for quick sugar hike if I need it. This is all new so I'm learning to adjust.
  
• P has been training our part time house-help in India better than I could ever have done! He has taught her how to bake bread, make pizza that actually tastes like pizza, and how to clean really well. The domestic area is not my strong suit, so I'm glad that P is there to really train her well. :) He even baked chocolate cake and shared it with the office staff back in India, who were all very impressed, of course! I think he's gonna take more of this role when we go back?! :) We'll see. I'm just thankful that I have a husband who is really flexible with division of labor and who can take care of things like that but doesn't put any pressure on me to be the Ms. Betty Crocker. I really do feel blessed.

The longest block...

Since I so thoroughly enjoyed my last public transportation experience, I decided I was going to do use it again today to get to Burbank. I have been finding parking really a hassle lately because they are so expensive! So, I figured I could save money on gas and parking by taking the bus. Seriously, compared to riding public transportation in India/Nepal, each time I get on the bus here, I feel like I am on a tour bus or something. It's really nice.

As I got off the bus on my way home, I felt a sudden pressure below. Then, I suddenly felt like I was going to faint. I think I was having braxton-hicks contraction or something. Or maybe I was experiencing symptoms that come with low blood pressure/hypoglycemia (I had two other episodes like this but without the pelvic pressure...) I don't know really what triggered it. I realized that I had to stop so I sat on the street curbside to catch my breath and when I felt better, I got up to walk again. Literally, maybe I would walk about 50 feet and then I would begin to feel light headed and the pressure again so I would stop and sit down again... I must have done this a couple of more times before I decided that I just couldn't carry my backpack and walk. I felt like carrying my backpack added more pressure. I saw a high school kid walking his dog and I stopped him to ask if he would be willing to carry my backpack over to the house while I took my time. He was eager to help and he quickly took the bag over to the front door. However, for me, it felt like the longest block ever, and I had moments where I wondered if I was going to go into labor right there on the side walk! (Thank God I didn't!) I took my cellphone and my wallet so that if in case something did happen, I would be able to make an emergercy phone call and show my insurance card! By the time I reached the house, I had to sit down on the doorstep for a few minutes to catch my breath before getting inside the house... I'm not sure what that was all about, but I think maybe I need to stop my bus riding adventures for now and take it easy....

A Historical Election

Barack Obama is the new president-elect of the United States of America. What a historical election it was. I am grateful that I got to participate in and witness it. Having read and heard of the struggles of African-Americans in the U.S. for their equal rights, it is a tremendous victory for the nation that the first African-American president has been elected. Personally, except during the early days of the election process, I have to admit that I hardly even thought about his race. When Obama and Hillary Clinton were contending for the democratic nomination, I remember asking P whether he thought America was ready for an African-American president or a woman president. I found the possibility that either of the two can happen during this election quite interesting. But, once Obama was nominated as the Democratic nominee for the presidency and he and McCain were busy with their campaign, I don't remember thinking about race as a factor. So, as I watched the election coverage and saw the faces of various people who were involved in the civil rights movement and tears streaming down the faces of many African-Americans, as well as whites, I couldn't help but to be moved by the historical moment that we were all experiencing together.

I voted for Obama. Eventhough I don't necessarily see eye to eye in all the things he had to say, I felt at the end that I could trust his leadership more than McCain's. I appreciated hearing McCain's speech last night, which was thoughtful, gracious, and generous. I am hopeful that he will work with Obama for the service of his country and I commend him for that. I listened to Obama's victory speech too and at the end, it made me feel more reassured about for whom I had cast my vote. Some commentators talked about how subdued he was and how sobering his speech was. As the electoral votes came in and it was clear that Obama was going to be the next president, I thought to myself, "He has a long road ahead of him. I hope he is ready for the challenge." So, when I heard his speech, it became quite apparent to me that he did understand the challenges that are before him and that even at one of the most joyous moments of his life, he was focused. I felt like he demonstrated humility, soberness, and determination rather than using the moment to hype up the crowd or give empty promises that he cannot fulfill. If anything, I felt like he demonstrated his understanding of the time that America is in. His speech made me feel a bit more reassured that I chose the right candidate. I may not agree with him on everything, but at the end of the day, I feel like I can trust that he will listen to all sides, do what he can to promote unity, has a good head on his shoulder, is even-keeled, and will make the decision that he, as the president feels is the right decision. He is the kind of person I would want sitting in the seat of the presidency.

Now, that the election is over, let's just say that I am glad that it is finally over! I am ready to move forward and see what the next four years will be like. I definitely feel more motivated to pray for our nation's leaders (current and future) and for this nation. America is far from perfect and there are some disturbing things about this nation, but having lived overseas, I have deeper appreciation for the democratic process that exists in this nation. It is a rare thing to see and experience....

Week 30 Update - Clearance!

Today, I went to see a perinatologist as recommended by my Ob/Gyn for a thorough ultrasound. She wanted to make sure the pregnancy was progressing well and to check on my placenta. The perinatologist shared with me that Elijah is doing well. He showed no abnormalities and he was his usual jolly, active self. The peri also shared great news that my placenta has completely moved away from my cervix! It is not even marginally near the cervix and he said that I can go for a normal delivery. Yeah!!! I am so grateful that the placenta has moved. However, I decided that emotionally I am not going to tell myself, "I have to have a vaginal birth no matter what," because I have heard of too many stories where people were so set on one specific birth experience and were really disappointed when they had to get a c-section. I think I'm just going to leave myself open to all possibilities at this point. The main thing for me is a healthy baby and a healthy mom.

However, the perinatologist also shared that I "might" have what is called Single Umbilical Artery. (I say I "might" because Elijah was moving around so much that he said it was hard to get a clear picture, but with the shots he had, it appeared that I only had one artery.) I learned that a normal umbilical cord has two arteries and one vein. In my case, I have only one artery and one vein. (If you want more info you can read, http://www.mommyguide.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=News&file=article&sid=49&mode=thread&order=0&thold=0 ) However, he shared that he's not too concerned as the baby seems to be doing great. His growth is on target weighing 3 pounds and something ounces and so far no abnormalities can be seen. However, just to make sure that everything is progressing as it should, he wanted me to come in again in 4 weeks for another thorough ultrasound. If there is evidence of fetal distress or inter-uterine growth restriction, they would want to know and be prepared. I am not worried, but I am praying that he gets all the necessary nutrients he needs to continue growing in the oven!

At my Ob/Gyn's office, I learned that all my blood test came back with great results--no anemia and no gestational diabetes. I gained only 1 pound more since my last appointment which totals 16 pounds so far. I have heard that your weight gain starts to taper down during third trimester. I have to admit that it has been harder to eat (and sometimes keep food down) because of my expanding uterus. My system loves tofu and bland food. :) I can't believe I am in week 30!! We will see when Elijah arrives, but my intuition says he will arrive before January 8, which is his due date. I can't wait to meet the little guy who seems to have so much energy!

Some Fun Photos

Two weeks ago, my brother and sister-in-law who are also expecting a baby boy a few weeks after me, came for a visit. Here's a photo of the cousins meeting for the first time belly to belly. Last week, I visited with my sister and her family up north. It was a lot of fun, although the three kiddos got sick and eventually got their auntie sick too. I loved their superhero costumes! Look at the expressions on their faces!! I am also including two photos of my growing belly below. The one with the pumpkin is at week 29. The other one is at week 30, which I am in now. If you click on the link to my "belly flation" you will definitely see a huge progression on the size of my belly.

Riding the Public Bus

I had to get to the Burbank airport yesterday to catch a flight (with the doctor's permission) to Sacramento to spend some time with my sister and her family. I know that I could have called friends to ask for a ride to the airport, but I also had this thought that there must be a public bus route from Glendale to Burbank airport. I really wanted to try the Los Angeles public transit and see what that was like. So, I went on line, found a phone number where I can call to get some help figuring out the most direct route to the Burbank airport from where I am currently staying in Glendale. I got the help that I was looking for, found out that if I was willing to walk a few blocks to catch the 93 bus to Sylmar from Colorado and San Fernando, I can get to the Burbank airport in about 35 minutes. So, that is what I decided to do. I packed really light so that everything I need for the week would pack in a small backpack (knowing that maternity clothes awaited me at my sister's) and off I went. It took me $1.25 to get to my destination, I got to see parts of Glendale and Burbank that I normally would not see, and was impressed by the kindness and courtesy that bus riders showed one another as the elderly or the handicapped came on the bus. I was surprised initially that the bus was completely full. There were Caucasians, Asians, Latinos, and African-Americans, the elderly, students, and people going off to work. I thoroughly enjoyed this experience. Furthermore, the bus dropped me off right at the entrance to the airport near long term parking and I just had to walk across the street to catch the free airport shuttle which took me right to the drop off area. If you can catch a bus or some form of public transport that is convenient, it is a great way to get to the airport!

It's getting more real!

This past Sunday after church, I had my first hospital tour. I went to Glendale Adventist to get a tour of their maternity ward in preparation for what is to come. It was informative and I enjoyed meeting a couple of the nurses and having an opportunity to ask questions. Of course, I wished P was there with me, especially since I was the only one without the significant other there. :( Maybe God felt sorry for me too and decided to let me know that He's with me by having me win the raffle drawing! (j/k! hahaha) I won a nice basket with a book, a can of formula, an onezie, a receiving blanket, a rubber duckie, a stuffed animal duck, a pacifier, a bottle, and snacks for the mom to be! :) Tonight, I went to Huntington Memorial's tour just so that I had something else to compare and I have decided that I like Glendale better. The NICU in Huntington is better equipped, but I think if our baby came prematurely (which I am praying that he will make it to week 36) Glendale's NICU should be more than sufficient to handle it. At the end, I like the fact that Glendale is smaller as a hospital than Huntington, and I loved their rooms. They get lots of natural light and they are big. I also liked the philosophy at Glendale where they try to keep you and the baby together as much as possible, even with a c-section (since I will most likely have to do a c-section). I had thought that after a c-section, I won't get to see the baby for a couple of hours, but I learned that at least at Glendale, unless necessary, the baby will not be taken out of the surgery room but all his prep would be done there and that probably within 30 minutes, I can begin to try nursing him, if I want. I think I prefer that....

My brother and sister-in-law also visited me today. I will become an aunt to another nephew in late January! Elijah will have a cousin who is close to his age. Although poor Mila (my only niece)...she will be surrounded by testosterone for a while (4 boys total). ;) They brought a few items that some people had donated, like a pack and play, a collapsible high chair, and a bag from my sister filled with clothes, blankets, and burp cloths, along with a baby car seat. My sister-in-law also brought a cute little newborn outfit as a gift, which I think will make a perfect return home outfit for Elijah. I haven't bought anything for Eli knowing that he will have plenty of hand-me-downs from his cousins. Anyway, going through the stuff brought back memories of my nephews as infants....they were so small.... how quickly they grow! I organized a few things that I thought might be useful right away like burp cloths, receiving blankets, and some clothes, but the rest, I shoved them all back in the bag. I'll have to reorganize some time. I have heard about pregnant women having the "nesting" instinct. Since I know that this place is only temporary, I haven't really felt any urge to "nest," but actually touching some baby items and doing the hospital tour have definitely brought the reality of Elijah's soon to be arrival to a new level. At one point today, I thought, "Oh my gosh!! I'm gonna be a mom!!" :) I am really excited and happy!

My next to-do: I decided that I want to take a breast feeding class and a CPR class for preparation. I'm not going to do a birthing class like the Lamaaz because without P, I'm not sure how helpful it will be and I think it will be a little weird to go on my own.

Almost Week 28!

Since I have been back in the States, I feel like my pregnant belly has grown significantly!! I definitely look pregnant and the little pouch has become like a soccer ball (although low carrying). I was looking at myself in the mirror the other day and it is true, I definitely have no waist. I am not used to seeing myself without a waist, so it is taking a bit of getting used to seeing my shape much like a square (not that I had much of a curve before!) with a tummy. I had Daya take a photo of me in my maternity clothes to take it back to India so that P can see how much my belly has grown. The other Sunday, I squatted to say hello to a child and I noticed it was hard to get up from that position! hahaha

I had a doctor's appointment on Monday. My placenta has not moved and it is still covering my "os" and I have the same restrictions that I've known since week 20. She asked me if I got all these tests done and I hadn't. So, I have some tests that I need to take. She also referred me to see a perinatologist to get a thorough ultrasound done. I feel like I am in good hands. I am mentally preparing for a c-section at week 37 or 38 or a vaginal birth (in case the placenta does move).

I have been taking it easy as I feel the need for it. I have been noticing that I get tired a lot more easily. I need at least a day to recover from the previous day's activities if it was a full day. I know when I am really tired when even going on the computer feels exhausting! So, I've been scheduling in days to rest and to take regular naps.

P and I are pretty certain that we will be naming our son Elijah Paul Graf ("Eli"). We have started calling him Elijah and it's been fun to call our son by name. I really like the meaning of the name which means, "The Lord is My God." It is our prayer that our baby boy would know and experience the Lord as his God from early on. Elijah has been able to hear his daddy's voice everyday as we talk over skype or on the speaker phone. I have been wondering what he will be like.... I can't wait to meet him. It's getting closer!

Our two worlds....

P and I have been trying to talk everyday. We're also trying to do that without using up all of our friends' minutes (Thanks, Hubert and Jean!!), so it's been a combination of talking after 9pm and using skype. I am really grateful for modern technology even with its frustrating moments. It definitely makes staying connected so much easier.

We've been sharing stories about our experiences thus far being in two different places. P definitely has more interesting stories by far! If nothing else, we are reminded how different the two places are....

I've been enjoying the "pot hole less" driving experience here. No bouncing up and down, jerking back and forth, and hairy moments as the driver tries to avoid the potholes and drive on the opposite side of the road. The suspension in the car I am borrowing (Thanks, Khai and Jen!) is awesome. I remember sitting in a bus in Nepal and choosing to stand up because my legs provided better suspension than the bus itself! :) It’s been nice to be able to enjoy some of the comforts of life that America provides keeping in perspective to be grateful but not feel entitled to have them.

I have gotten so used to drinking filtered water in India that I am still getting used to drinking straight from tap. Each time I wash fruits and vegetables and eat them right away, I find myself amazed that I can do that and not get sick! I have not had an apple without it being peeled until I got here. I've been enjoying plums, granny apples, and grapes. No power cuts, constant flow of hot water, no water pumps, etc. life is convenient in America. It is so quiet here that I feel like I can have a retreat everyday without having to leave my home. The only time I see people walking around on my street is when they're walking their dogs. Sometimes I see elderly people or school students walking, but besides that I am still amazed by the lack of people I see around. I am still getting used the size of the portion of food served here. I am finding that one restaurant meal lasts two meals because I cannot finish it. Perhaps it is because the food prices are high, but I am finding myself buying what I know I will only eat within the week and not buying extras. I think it may have to do with the fact that I am so used to shopping enough for a week at the most in India.

I had asked P what his transition back has been like. He shared that it has been both challenging and rewarding. It's been challenging as usual as he had to deal with some inconveniences that is part of life there--coming back to a house infested with cockroaches, no power, and no phone service, etc. We shared a good laugh together when he shared his experience with purchasing a rice bag filled with bugs unknowingly, cooking the rice, watching cockroaches appear around the rice-cooker from no where, eating his dinner (without the cockroaches) and later discovering that the roaches had made their habitation under the based of the rice-cooker. I was sharing how I’ve only killed two small bugs since I arrived in America. I must say it has been nice to not be bug-free, but I also admit that I miss my geckos.

It's been also rewarding and fun for P. He shared some fun adventure stories and meaningful fellowship he had with the field workers in remote villages. He got to hear many stories of how people came to know our Father and was greatly encouraged. Of course, he also got to practice his Nepali a lot. He’s teaching more regularly at a B’ble school and has received a couple of invitations to speak at different gatherings. He seems to be getting back into a routine there.

We are having a good time exchanging stories of life back here in America and back in India. I think being in two different places and sharing our stories help us realize how different the two worlds are. Having lived in both places, we feel like we have a different perspective and appreciation for what both places have to offer. At the same time, we are more aware of the challenges that exist in both places.

I'm back....

Yes, I've been back in the U.S. now six days. The transition back has been smooth thanks to our sending organization and my home church. All my needs have been taken care of--to a car, a place to live, food in the fridge, a laptop, and even maternity clothes! :) I even got myself registered to vote and I have a temporary drivers license (since mine is back in India). I've been getting lots of recommendation on doctors and suggestions on hospitals for delivery. I have a doctor's appointment set for next week so I will get a feel for her and then the following week, I have hospital visits planned. I am doing well and as far as I can tell, our baby boy is doing well too. His kicks are definitely getting stronger to the point that it is starting to disturb my sleep.

The last six days have been busy. Currently, there is a m'ss'ns conference and the director from India is here as one of the main speakers, so I've been participating in different gatherings and meetings. Once the conference ends and Daya leaves for India, I feel like I will have more free time to visit family and friends. I can't wait to see everyone.

Today, I'm taking the day to rest, journal, read, blog, and enjoy being alone. I am an introvert at heart and I need my day alone to feel refreshed and re-energized. I've been also making sure to get plenty of rest during the day either by going to bed early, having a late morning the next day if I had a "late" night, or having some time for naps. Physically, I feel great.

However, I can tell I miss P a lot! I woke up this morning all excited that I will get to talk to him on the phone. He had called me two days ago while he was on his field visit to check-in. It was really brief because he was using his cellphone and I was on my way out for a meeting. And then, he followed up with an email that he will be back in S'liguri on Friday night and that he'll call me. I think I am starting to become a believer in pregnancy amnesia because I have been forgetting things a lot more easily! Anyway, I somehow had convinced myself that today was Friday night in S'liguri and he was going to call me. I started to get worried a little when he didn't. It wasn't until I sat down to pray and was starting to tell God that I was worried a bit that I realized it was only Wed. here which meant it was Wed. night there! Hahaha I had a good laugh. I can't wait to talk to him. I do miss him a lot. Currently, he's planning to come back early December...

Well, I will not be posting any belly photos for some time because I don't have a digital camera and now, most of my friends can see my belly growing in person. I definitely do look pregnant, although most people have been saying that I look small for being 6 months (26 weeks).

I have a lot more to write about, but I think I am done for the time being...

The last few days...

Thurs. night (9/25)--Arrived in Bangkok. Tired but eager to find out find out where we are heading out next. We've been preparing for the possibility that I may have to return to the States and P back to India due to total placental previa. We prefer to be together and to continue with our original plan. But, we are also aware that life doesn't happen the way you would like for it to.... I think we have gotten a lot more used to having multiple plans and things not always panning out and having to shift to another plan. So, we will see what is ahead....

Friday (9/26)-- Had a good doctor's visit at a great hospital. The ultrasound was so amazing. I will post some photos another time. It was an emotional experience for me to see our baby so clearly. I almost cried. We also learned that we are having a boy!! We're so excited. The doctor didn't even had to point out his unit because the ultrasound was so clear and I blurted out, "Oh look, we're having a boy! That's his penis!" hahaha LOL!! He's doing great.

The doctor also showed me where my placenta is and it was completely covering my cervix. We were hoping that it had moved and that it wasn't total placenta previa, but it is. The doc's recommendation--we should strongly consider going back to the States because there is a greater chance for bleeding and premature birth.

In my opinion, if I was in a place where NICU and a good maternal unit available, it is not that big of a deal. There is always a possibility that the placenta can move (even at the 11th hour) but when these things are not available, if something were to go wrong, it can pose a serious risk. Anyway, we'll have to decide what we're going to do.

Sat. (9/27) -- We decided that I am going back to the States. But, I still can't get myself to purchase the ticket because once I purchase it, it is final. P has been teasing me saying that I have become "P" in Myers-Briggs. I know internally that this is the best thing to do, but I am bummed that we have to be away from each other for about 2 months or so....

My parents also arrived in Bangkok on their way to Chiang Mai for a conference. It will be nice to spend some time with them.

Sun. (9/28) -- P's latop (his hard drive) crashed and it is not working. It is a good thing that it happened now than later because I can take it back to the States to get it fixed. I bought my ticket. It is final. I am coming back. I am going to miss being with P.

Mon. (9/29) -- I took P to the airport today. He left his e-ticket back at the guest house, but thankfully, he was able to fly back. I learned in trying to call him that our cellphone number has been given to someone else (even after all the arrangement we had made with the phone company). I got a hold of him through another person and learned that our house has no electricity because the power has been cut too. But, P sounded good. I would not have been a happy camper arriving in that condition, but again, so far, my experience in living overseas has been "no matter what you do, something always goes wrong. you just have to expect it." Anyway, P will figure it out. Maybe it is a good test run for the next time we're away for a longer period because it will be harder with a baby in tow.

I also spent the day with my parents. I'll write my reflection about it some other time, but I so appreciate my times with them.

Tues. (9/30)-- I'm blogging as mom and dad are heading out this morning and it is my last chance at a computer in the guest house. I'll write more some other time. I leave tomorrow night and will arrive in LA on Thurs.

Catching Up on Blogging...

Tomorrow, we are moving into a new flat in N'pal for the duration of our stay here. The British couple from whom we have been renting the place is coming back so we need to move out. I haven't seen the inside of our new home for the next two and a half weeks, but I heard that the bathroom is inside, for which I am really happy about! :) It also means that we probably won't have internet access (although we might), so I am catching up on blogging.

This past week, I realized when sending out our monthly update that our friends who are on the monthly yahoogroups list did not receive June/July issue as we typed in the wrong yahoogroups address. It was the issue with our big announcement about our pregnancy and I really wanted people to hear it from us, and not others. It was unfortunate that it happened the way it did...

The baby is moving around so much and the movements are getting stronger and stronger. Furthermore, I think I am finally starting to look pregnant. Our land lady who lives below has been carefully monitoring my tummy and she said to me the other day, "You are showing just a little." I got lazy and forgot to take a photo of week 21, but I'll make sure to take one later today or tomorrow for week 22. P loves to tell me that I am fat! Oh yeah, I got myself a stretchable bottom and two fairly baggy t-shirts as my pants don't fit anymore. When I travel, I like to travel as a "westerner," meaning, wearing western clothes. So, in preparation for our upcoming travel back to India, I made my first "maternity" purchase, although you can wear them not as maternity too. ;)

It's been really interesting to keep abreast of the U.S. election process from here. In some ways, I feel like I have been able to appreciate the process more having lived abroad in unstable regions. It's been nice to have a T.V. too and get the latest analysis from CNN and BBC.

I have no new update on placenta previa. I have no idea what is happening in there and we won't know until we go in for a check-up when we're in Thailand. I've had a couple of people ask how I feel about it. My feelings haven't changed much from two weeks ago. I won't know what my next steps are until I get a check up again and worrying about it isn't going to change anything... I've been getting some good additional information from the States thanks to friends. I'm just gathering info so that P and I can make a good decision together, if needed.

I was sharing with P that it is incredible to feel our baby moving inside. When I was in the thick of morning/evening sickness, I wondered, I don't know if I can/want to do this again... this is horrible. But, now that I am feeling better and I can feel our baby having fun in the oven, I feel like the vomiting and all was so worth it. I was telling P that I feel a little sad thinking that this may be our one and only child. Nevertheless, we are so grateful for our baby Graf! We think we have narrowed down on a girl and boy name.... you just have to wait, sorry! ;)

I love it when P feels the baby move and he says, "Whoaa... that one was an earthquake!" Our baby also seems to be on a schedule in terms of his/her activity level... The Ken/Barbie doll (baby's current size) is really active in the morning, falls asleep maybe 15 minutes before I leave for class, wakes up at noon, takes a nap in the afternoon (time varies), and is active for a few hours before I fall asleep. I've been kind of keeping an eye on the clock to see if I can see a pattern, and I totally can. Of course, s/he has sluggish days, but I wonder if our baby is going to be a morning kiddo, just like his/her parents!

I have also started doing "worship time with mommy" with baby Graf. When I spend some time singing praise music, I put one of the headset on to my tummy, while I listen with the other and spend some time singing to God. I have no idea whether the baby can hear it but I thought, "Why not. S/he can be part of it." Sometimes s/he would be kicking up a storm and as soon as the music begins, s/he quiets down, as if s/he is listening.... I enjoy this time together. ;)

Parallels between Pregnancy and the Kingdom of God

As I was spending some time with Jesus the other day, I was reminded that probably my most significant spiritual lessons have come from dealing with infertility. It really challenged me in multiple levels, but in particular it brought to surface my deeply ingrained view about how God "should" work or how I think He works, and in many ways my self-perception as being in control. But, it is through struggling through this particular issue of infertility that God brought to surface many of my sin, misconceptions, and in many ways destroying my illusion that I am in control. I remember someone describing me as "a person who knows what she wants and knows how to get it." The truth is, for most things in my life, if I decided that is what I wanted, I worked to achieve it. But, infertility-- now that was a whole new ball game. I could not get my body to do what many people easily seemed to achieve. For the next seven years, I learned through infertility that I am not in control but God is, especially when it comes to conceiving a new life. There were some really difficult moments, times of depression and hopelessness, but I met God in so many profound ways. For that, I am really grateful. I'm not sure if I could have learned some important lessons and truths about God, myself, humanity, and suffering had I not gone through it.

Now, that I am pregnant with our first baby, I feel as though I have been drawn even more deeply into the mystery of God. God is mysterious. For my daily Bible reading, I read through the book of Job the last couple of weeks and it provided me with more opportunities to consider God and His mysterious ways. And, when I reflect on this characteristic of God, I find myself kneeling before Him in humility. I find myself both in awe and in fear as I become aware that He is God and I am a creature. As I watch my belly starting to grow and as I feel the movement of the baby getting stronger and stronger, I find myself intrigued by this mysterious happening going inside me, invisible to my eyes. Something mysterious, wonderful, fearful, exciting, and marvelous is happening deep inside my womb, but the whole internal process is only visible to the eyes of God. What I experience, feel, and see are only small external signs of what is happening in the inside. This mysterious yet marvelous process absolutely amazes me and I see a new level of understanding of the fact that God alone can create life and that my life (and everyone else's) is in His hand.

I was sharing with P the other day how I feel like pregnancy (conception) can be paralleled to the Kingdom of God as described in Mark 4:23-32. I love these two parables about the Kingdom of God. One is the parable about a man who scatters seed on the ground, he sleeps and rises night and day, and the seed sprouts and grows. But he does not know how. The earth produces by itself in its different stages of growth and it becomes ripe, ready for the harvest. The other parable is of the mustard seed. In the same way, pregnancy feels that way to me. We see external signs of growth (or perhaps the lack thereof, which might be an indication that some thing is wrong), but how the growth happens, it is a mysterious process. I do what I can on my end by eating healthy food regularly, getting rest, and getting regular prenatal check-up, but at the end, the baby grows without my intimate knowledge of its most intricate process.

In the same way, I have been thinking about how there is an element of mystery in the Kingdom of God, how it grows, and what it becomes. We may see some external signs, but how it all happens, if we are honest, we have to admit that it is a mystery to us. We can do our part, but the growth God gives. There is definitely an element of us realizing that we are His workers, not the creator. When the time is ripe, it is time for harvest.

In the past, I think God's mysterious ways were more frustrating (and sometimes it still can feel that way for me) than worship producing. But I also feel as though I am experiencing a new level of understanding of God in His mystery which leads me to view myself rightly as His creature. It leads me to worship Him as the One who is so intimately loving and close, yet who is completely separate from me and not bound by me. He is God.

The Kick that Made My Day

Yesterday, I skipped class because I was feeling really tired. Perhaps our little Graf was also feeling tired too, but s/he was not as active as usual, although once in a while I would get a punch. So, as I was lying in bed getting ready to go to sleep, I said to the little one, "Hey, what are you doing in there? You've been unusually quiet today. Can you let mommy know that you're doing alright in there?" Literally a second or two later, I got a nice big kick (maybe a punch) letting me know that all is dandy. It made my day!

Today, s/he is back to her/his good old self again moving around and having fun in the oven!

A Photo Collage of My Pregnant Belly

I've been taking weekly photo of my growing belly. Here's a collage that I made using picasa. I couldn't figure out how to get rid of the last few photos, so there are duplicates. The weekly photo shots start from week 14 until week 20 (minus week 19). I can't wait until it gets big and round! ;)

Week 20 - The Half Way Point

I am now at the half way point in pregnancy! Yeah!! Yesterday, P felt the baby for the first time! It has been great to feel the baby moving around. I feel like I am finally able to really enjoy being pregnant. I figured out that anything spicy and greasy make me sick so I have been staying away from Korean food, dhal-bhaat, and fried stuff. I also realized that I had this notion that when you’re pregnant, you’re supposed to be eating A LOT and all the time. I feel like I am eating all the time, but I have been eating in small portions, which have been helpful with indigestion. P also reminded me that when I was not pregnant, I basically only ate two meals a day and I hardly ever snacked in between meals. So, compared to my pre-pregnancy state, I am eating more and healthy at that. :) (Here's a photo of me at week 20 in my "western" clothes. I can't fit into my pants anymore so I have the button loose... If you look hard, you can see a bump....) :) I'll post my belly shot tomorrow.


Today, we went in for our week 20 doctor’s appointment and ultrasound. I really like the doctor that I have in Nepal. She seems very competent and is very thorough in answering my questions. I wish I find someone like her when I go back to India in a few weeks.


We learned today through the ultrasound that I have what is called posterior placenta previa. In short, in normal pregnancy the placenta is supposed to implant high, in the top of the uterus. In my case, it implanted itself low in the uterus. The ultrasound report indicated that it was posterior and low lying placenta covering my cervix. (I didn’t ask if it was completely covering it…) The doctor spent some time explaining it to me which was very helpful. She explained that usually people have anterior placenta previa which often corrects itself as the uterus expands and grows. But, with posterior placenta previa, it is less likely for the placenta to move away from the cervix. From what I could gather, the main concern is bleeding and premature birth. She explained further that if the placenta does not move away from the cervix, it would be nearly impossible to do a vaginal birth. She also encouraged that if nothing changes, I should be near a hospital with excellent neonatal intensive care unit in case the baby comes prematurely. The average gestational period for people with placenta previa is 32 weeks.


I came home and did some reading trying to understand it more. At this point, I feel like it is not worth being overly concerned about until I get a second opinion. There is a slight chance for misdiagnosis and there is the possibility that my placenta might move away from my cervix as my uterus continues to grow. So, P and I decided that when we are in Thailand in four weeks, we will get another ultrasound (we’ll be starting week 25) and see what the doctor says to us. If the doctor feels like it is a high risk pregnancy, then P and I will have some decisions to make. We may have to come back to the States after all.

Meanwhile, we’re going to pray, trust God, and take it easy. The goal is not to bleed (and so far, I haven’t had any), although you don’t have too much control over that as it sounds like it can happen unexpectedly. For now, doctor’s order is no heavy lifting, no intercourse, and no intense activity. I don’t really care too much about vaginal birth or c-section. I just want our baby to make it to full term, or as close to it as possible, God willing. We’d appreciate your prayers!


Other than that, I learned that I gained a pound since the last doctor’s appointment—now I weigh109 pounds! The doctor also said that our baby is active, growing, and no abnormalities can be seen. The radiologist said, “You have a hyper-active, happy baby in there!” Our baby is really active. S/he was moving around, kicking, and doing somersault the whole time. No wonder I can feel her/him so much! P tried really hard to see if he could figure out the gender of the baby but no luck. We’ll just wait until we get to Thailand to find out! :)

Happenings....

• Nepal is now in the process of forming a functioning government as the prime minister, the president, and vice president have been chosen. Politics is a hot topic here these days.
  
• P is kicking my butt in vocabulary memorization. His ability to focus still amazes me.
  
• I sometimes wonder whether I am getting enough protein since I am still having trouble eating meat and I can't eat dhaal (lentil) because the smell makes me sick. I've been eating yogurt, cheese, meat (once in a while), and drinking lots of milk to get protein. Hopefully, my new found pleasure for ice cream is also helping!
  
• I have been feeling the "flutter" regularly these days. The little baby is moving around quite a bit, especially at night. However, it's not strong enough for P to feel the movements yet.
• I got a friend request on facebook from an acquaintance from high school that I vaguely remember.... I've been trying to remember as much as possible who this person is... I remember her name but I don't remember what she was like and whether I even hung out with her at all! Weird...
• My nephew, Jeshua started kindergarten today. He sounded excited when I spoke to him this morning. Kids really do grow too quickly! I miss my nephews and niece.
• It's been fun to find out about friends who are also pregnant!
• I've been wondering what kind of support network I will need to create for myself back in India when I become a mom. I've been praying about it a lot.
  
• I'm so thankful that I have a husband who doesn't insist or care much about having delicious meals everyday... I really don't enjoy cooking... I cook so that we can eat in order that we might continue surviving.... It doesn't mean I don't enjoy or have appreciation for delicious food because I do! I just have absolutely NO interest in being the creator of such meals.... So, I really appreciate P for loving my other strong suits and feeling okay about telling me to give the finger to the pressure that I feel to be this person that I am not. (I will write another blog about this later because it needs more history and explanation.) I never felt this kind of pressure living in the States, but I feel it here all the time!
• Now my stomach is calling me for a snack....
  

Locked Gate and Didi

Last Sunday, we decided to visit and worship at the biggest and the oldest church in Pok'ara. At the end of the service, we chatted with a few folks and decided that it was time to leave. There were people hanging around the main gate so we headed in the same direction. We were suprised to find that the gate was locked. As we looked around, it was obvious that the gate was not going to be opened any time soon and that we should probably find a shady spot while we waited. While we waited, we tried to interpret why the gate might be locked... "Do they lock the gate so that they can encourage fellowship after service? Maybe it is so that no one can leave early?.... Well, this won't work in the States!" "Maybe, someone with the key is elsewhere and they're looking for the person..." Eventually, the gate was unlocked and everyone headed out for their next destination. Fortunately for us, one of our language instructor is a regular member of the church so we asked him on Monday about the locked gate. His answer surprised us. I would have never guessed, in a million years, why they lock the gate every week and everyone had to wait about 15-20 minutes after the service to open it up. The reason: To prevent shoe theft! The church had problems in the past where people would sneak in the church and steal people's nice shoes. (In Nepal and in India, for the most part, we take off our shoes when we go inside the church because we often sit on the floor.) So, they give about 15-20 minutes for everyone to locate their shoes and to prevent anyone from leaving the premise with someone elses' nice shoes! Interesting, huh?

I am still amazed at how different our lives are. We had our previous "didi" (literal meaning: older sister) who worked in our house two years ago when we were here for languague study and her family over for some snacks a couple of weeks ago. I had thought that we were the same age, but I learned that she was a year younger than me. While I am just preparing to have our first baby, she has three children, ages 2o, 19, 18. She had gotten married at age 15 and had her first child shortly after.... How different our life experiences have been.....

Another milestone?

I am not sure if it's my stretching uterus that I am feeling or the baby moving, but I felt something yesterday quite frequently and strong enough for me to let out a gasp once in a while. Today, I have been feeling something inside, although it has not been as noticeable as yesterday. I think it's the baby...!! P's been trying to see if he can feel it too, but I think he may have to wait a few more weeks. ;) My tummy is also getting tighter. I can still fit into my pants, but for the first time today, I noticed that they were feeling pretty snug. Well, except for strong odor which can bring sudden nausea, it's been really great to be feeling almost normal again!!

Recently, I've started thinking and praying a lot about my own spiritual nourishment and growth, especially as I anticipate a huge transition. I know that I will be tired, sleep deprived, and probably overwhelmed at times trying to figure out motherhood and my new life, but I want to experience God in midst of them all. I'm not sure what that will all look like, but I've been asking God to grant me that hunger to pursue after him and to experience his abundant nourishment, especially when I am dead tired. Perhaps, I will connect with God in a new way as I sing "Jesus loves me" to our baby while putting her/him to sleep, or as I read a Bible story to the child. Maybe it will mean that I check my email, facebook, and blogs less and spend that time and energy to pray and spend a quiet moment with God. I'm not sure but I've been thinking about it and asking God for his grace and wisdom to guide me.... Just like I will eventually get in to a feeding schedule and a sleep routine that works with the baby's needs and development, I am asking that God and I can develop some kind of rhythm that is both nourishing and life giving when I become a mother.

The waiting....

I went in for my routine monthly exam (week 17) and learned that we cannot find out the sex of the baby. The doctors are telling us that it is illegal for them to tell. On the other hand, our Nepali friends have been telling us that it is not against the law in Nepal. I'm not sure who is correct.... It might be that the hospital's policy is to not tell because it is run by Indian doctors and doctors in training from India... I know that in India it is against the law for doctors to inform the parents of the gender of the baby generally due to female foeticide. We might have to wait until we get to Bangkok at the end of September to find out. In three weeks, I'll be going in for my 20 weeks ultrasound so maybe we can try asking again then, or I'll have Paul look carefully to see if he can figure it out. (He's better at interpreting the ultrasound.) We'll just have to wait patiently. ;)

I think I am finally over my morning/evening sickness. I haven't vomited in 6 days! I also learned that I weigh almost 108 pounds. It's less than what I weighed before pregnancy. I wonder how much I will weigh in January. As long as the little avocado (s/he's current size) is doing fine, from what I have read, even if I don't gain a lot of weight (no matter how hard I try), it should be no problem. No photos or video to share this time. :(

My musings lately....

I have been mulling over a lot of stuff recently but I have failed to get them on to my blog. Now, I don't think I can write about them all because it will take too much time and you might get bored reading about them in one sitting... so to give you a glimpse into what I have been thinking about recently, I thought I'd just write down the questions I have been asking. Some are deeper questions, others are just random questions, but I have been finding myself asking more questions lately. Here I go....

• What does economic development really look like in a developing a country, and what pieces of the puzzle must be there for it to be successful? How does development that comes up from within and development encouraged from the outside look different?
  
• What does the Bible really say about the Kingdom of God? Sometimes I feel like people emphasize certain pieces that they resonate more with, but at the core, what does Jesus say about it?
  
• How can I grow in being grateful in midst of difficulties? Living here, I can count many things that I can complain about, but then I also realize there are many, many things to be grateful about. How do I deal with both - which I often feel at the same time?
• What middle name do we like for a daughter? What first name do we want to give to our baby if he is a son?
• At what point, do you become fluent in a language? I've been feeling greater level of sympathy for immigrants. I think many people who complain about immigrants who can't speak English or not so well probably have never really tried learning a foreign language. It is not easy.
  
• Why do many Americans talk as if they have the solution for whatever problem is being discussed?
  
• Why is it that there is so much talk about finding alternative energy source and about offshore drilling (for the U.S.), but hardly anyone is talking about changing our lifestyle?
  
• How do you discern how much or what kind of change is realistically possible when no particular behavior stands on its own and are all a part of an interconnected cultural web?
• What does it look like for me to love my neighbor as myself today? It is easier said than done....
• Why did God create a nine and half months gestational period for humans?
  
• Why am I not constipated when other pregnant moms seem to suffer from it? I'm not complaining! ;)
• Why is it that I've been craving Taco Bell/Del Taco the most? I don't get it!
• I wonder how active our little bean is and will be! I hope he/she is not hyper! ;)
• I wonder if we're having a boy or a girl?
  
• A friend told me that someone had commented on the difference between taking an epidural and not taking it as difference between hell and heaven.... come on, really? I mean is it THAT different? If it's THAT different, why isn't everyone taking the epidural? Heck, I would choose heaven over hell anytime! :)

So, there you have it.... here are some of my serious and not so serious questions that I have been asking and thinking about.

Pregnancy Update: I hope to find out the sex of the baby, if possible, this Sunday, but we will see. If there is gas available for taxis and there is no strike, maybe I'll actually get to the hospital! (On a side note, I was asking our language teacher about how do sick people get to the hospital when there is a strike and all forms of transportation is closed? She told me a story of a woman who went into labor during one of these transportation strikes, was in labor, delivered her baby near a bus park, and died. She said many sick people die during strikes just because they can't get to the hospitals! It made me so sad and angry at the same time to hear the story....Luckily we live pretty close to a hospital!) Anyway, hopefully, the baby will be still long enough in order to get a good look at his/her anatomy! The last time we had the ultrasound, the technician really tried, but gave up because the little bean was so active. We'll let you know what we learn! ;) I also just posted my 16th week belly photo... tomorrow will be week 17!

My Love and Hate Relationship with Pregnancy

I am finding that I have a love and hate relationship with pregnancy.... Actually, "hate" is not exactly what I feel, but you know what I mean.

I love the fact that there is an amazing thing happening inside me--a new life growing. I have been following up on the development of the baby on line and from books, and I find myself completely in awe by it all. It is both mysterious and marvelous. I also love that the shape of my body is changing. I don't ever remembering being this "fat," which at this stage kind of looks like I have a beer belly or something, but I do enjoy it because it is an outward sign of what is happening inside. Last night P looked at me and said, "you are definitely pregnant...I have never seen you with a belly like that!" ;) And, of course, there are other benefits too where you get rounded out in some other areas, which I don't mind having these days. ;) I think I have felt the baby a couple of times, but I totally might be imagining. But, I am looking forward to feeling the little bean move. I have heard that in the States you can get something called a "doppler" so that you can listen to the heartbeat of the baby from home. Well, nothing like that is available here, but I am assuming all is fine and dandy in the oven. I love my "glowing" skin. I love having P talk to the baby. I also love rubbing my tummy and talking to the little one as well and praying for him/her. In these ways, I love being pregnant.

However, I also feel like I don't like being pregnant. I had no idea how hard it would be on my body, but I have felt pretty miserable at times...of course, some days are worse than others. Just a few days ago, I was celebrating and emailing people that I feel like I might be seeing the end to my morning/evening sickness. But, it's back again and I am finding myself vomiting again everyday. Two days ago, the house help here finally asked me, "Are you okay? Why are vomiting so much?" I finally told her I am pregnant. In Nepali culture, you don't ask people if they're pregnant and you don't share the news that you are. Poor P, he has had to scoop out my vomit a few times from the sink (no disposal here) because I couldn't run to the bathroom in time. (gross, I know...) With the vomiting and growing baby, I am finding myself constantly hungry. But, I am having trouble finding things to keep me full...In some ways this sounds horrible when there are so many people who are starving and are going to bed hungry because they don't have food, but I feel like I am constantly in a state of being hungry. It is not fun, especially when you are trying your best to keep yourself full. I don't like the fact that eating feels like a chore these days, yet when I consider the fact that I have food to eat, I find myself thankful that I can afford to eat, and guilty that I feel like I am complaining so much. I don't like that I am so low on energy and have become very anti-social. Being invited to people's homes these days do not bring a smile to my face. I find myself praying that I would be able to eat whatever is given without throwing up or gagging. I don't like having so much food aversion. The other day I had mushroom for the first time in a long time and it made me throw up all of my lunch. I don't like the fact that I walk around with my nose covered because of all the interesting odors. I feel like I am being so rude. I don't like that I sometimes wish I was back in the States. I have talked more about going back to the States in the last 10 weeks since I have arrived in this part of the world.

In all honesty, being pregnant, although amazing, hasn't been all that enjoyable so far. No one said it was going to be easy. It is what it is and I am learning to make the best of it. But, I do wish that the second trimester will bring the relief that everyone has been telling me it will come. I thought it came, but then it disappeared pretty fast! Oh well.

On a different note, I have been having some wild dreams lately since becoming pregnant. Last night, I dreamt about our baby--I actually saw his face (the baby was a boy) and he was soooo cute! (I have had 2 other dreams previous to this from a while ago that the baby was boy...) He was smiling a lot. In the same dream, I had no diaper, no receiving blanket, nor any clothes for the baby. Poor kid, I had to wrap him in a towel! ;) Anyway, who knows whether the baby is actually a boy, but hopefully, we'll find out soon. My gut feeling is that the bean is a boy, but a lot of people think the bean is a girl. What do you think? Boy or a girl, I would be thrilled either way and honestly, I don't really feel like I have a strong preference. P would be thrilled either way too, but he would like to have son! He has dreams of going backpacking and rock climbing with the kid.... ;)

A new insight into our marriage

P and I have been married now almost 9 years and we are still discovering new insights about each other. A few years ago, P and I learned that we had different interpretation or understanding of what a "complaint" is. I am an external processor and often I would voice my discontentment (which P calls a "complaint" and now, I'm starting to agree a little with his interpretation..) out loud. For example, if it is hot, I'll whine a little and say, "It's so HOT!" or if something smells, I'll say, "It stinks!" We would sometimes get into an argument about it because we had very different interpretation of what was going on. I would argue that I'm just voicing the fact that it is HOT. He would argue that I'm complaining.... we haven't quite reached an agreement about whose interpretation is correct, but I have gotten better at not "complaining" (as P would say) and he has gotten better at being "sympathetic," as I would say. ;)

A few days ago, something happened that helped me to understand P better. P had developed a rash which was really itchy. He had it for a day or two before he mentioned anything. I only learned of it because he couldn't stand it any longer and had gotten himself a cream for the itch. I would have never known about it until he asked, "Hey honey, do I have a rash here?" (a spot where he couldn't see himself) Then, I found out that he had been feeling itchy for a couple of days and that it was pretty severe.

Now, if it had been me, he probably would have heard about it the moment I had the itch! I can totally see myself saying, "Oh, it itches so much...." maybe a few minutes later, "Honey, does it look worse?" maybe a few minutes later, "Ah... it itches!!" I am sad to admit that I can be a whiner. (I better kick the habit soon so that I don't pass it on to our kid! ;)

But, P, he is quiet. He doesn't say a word about how itchy it is until I ask, "Is it really itchy?" to which he answers, "Yeah. It's pretty itchy." Well, if anything, this little experience helped me to understand why my husband would view my, "It's HOT," as an unnecessary "complaint." Instead of "complaining" about how itchy his rash was, he got himself a cream and applied it. It didn't help much, but he figured "complaining" about it isn't going to make it less itchy. But, then, here's our difference. I agree that "complaining" about the itch doesn't make it less itchy, but for me, it sure helps to have someone sympathize with you! ;)

Nevertheless, I felt like I got a small insight into my husband's world and I can now "sympathize" and understand why he might feel like I am complaining, when I feel like I am not! ;)

Starring Baby Graf....

My tech savvy husband figured out a way to make the file smaller so that we can post a video of our baby from July 4, 2008. This is his/her first video debut! We love watching it together and think it is so cool, so we wanted to share it with you. Enjoy!

Baby Graf's First Video Debut at 12w6days.... We're not sure if it's a science fiction flick or an aerobics video.... You decide.

Pregnancy News

We are expecting! By now, for many of you, this might be old news. But, for those of you for whom it is the first time hearing the news, we are happy to announce that we are expecting baby Graf in January. Our little baby Graf is due on January 10, 2009. We are looking forward to meeting our baby!!

I have had a few people asking if they'll get to watch me get "fat." So, I decided to post photos of my growing belly. I don't really look pregnant, although P and I think I have grown a little bump. I lost around 4 lbs. during the first trimester. I think I may have gained a pound back. If you want to see me get fat, you can go here and take a peek. Or you can go to the photo link on the blog titled, "Belly Flation." ;)

http://picasaweb.google.com/grafsbiz/2008PregnancyBellyPhoto?authkey=h6T7wose-iI

I've decided not to start another blog because it has been hard to keep up with this blog lately. But, I will post some thoughts about pregnancy every now and then here.

I tried uploading our video of baby Graf moving his/her legs, hands, and doing acrobatics, but the files are too big... and we can't seem to shrink them with our current software programs... oh well. We have a very active little bean in there!

Some of you have asked and maybe a few might be wondering where we're planning to have our baby. We're planning to have our baby in Bangkok, Thailand. After talking to some local and ex-pat friends in India, we decided that Siliguri is not an option. We checked out Calcutta, but decided it would not be very "relaxing" as I heard that labor and delivery can be quite traumatic too, especially for a first timer. So, we decided Thailand would be the best option. If the baby arrives on time, we will have a couple of weeks to recover before we go to our annual field worker's retreat in Chiang-Mai. Then, we will go back to Siliguri to adjust to life there as a family of three, and in May 2009, we will be coming back to the States for our furlough. We're mostly excited, a little nervous, and anticipating one of the biggest transitions in our lives!

By the way, we want to thank all our friends for sending your enthusiastic congratulations! We have been feeling the love here half way around the world. ;)

The "Bully" System

For the last few days, the medical system in N'pal has been shut down because the doctors are on strike. Someone accused a doctor of what we would consider "malpractice" in the death of one of their relatives. Because there are no malpractice laws and people had no other recourse, an angry mob formed and proceeded to vandalize the hospital. So, what does the medical community do in response? They decide to shut down the whole medical system as a way to show their disapproval. The country is currently running without any medical care, except for emergencies. It is really mind boggling. Moreover, we learned through our language teacher that there is no law currently in place regarding issues of malpractice or any policies about investigating situations like this.

As I have been living in this part of the world for now almost two years, what I have seen again and again is a culture of strikes (bandhs) or people lashing out in anger. The strikes are not like the ones in the West - everything shuts down completely and if you don't, the people calling the strike enforce it by violence. This pattern has baffled me again and again, but today, I feel like I may have a new understanding of why this pattern exists.

I have been calling the pattern the "bully system." Whoever can flex one's muscle the most, generally wins or gets attention. So, one way is to call a bandh and completely shut down everything so that everyone's life affected. Or, the other is that people are so fed up and since there is no just way to have their voice heard, they get a mob together and trash everything, beat up people, and get noticed this way. If you don't do something drastic, who will hear your complaint?

I used to look at the "bully system" and be just flabbergasted by it all. But, now (perhaps it's because I feel angry at the injustice of it all) I feel as though I can better understand why people sometimes seem to go crazy and respond in ways that are quite shocking. They feel so powerless and unless they flex some of their muscles, no one pays attention....

When the pol't system fails to protect all its citizens and when the justice system is plagued by injustice and corruption, I wonder if this is what happens.... people resort to the "bully" system. It brings no solution but at least perhaps for a short period, you can at least feel like you're in control and have a handle on things. By no means is this the best way, but it is one way that people have accepted to at least get some justice. It seems that people get beyond a certain point of "tolerating" and then they resort to taking matters into their own hands.... This pattern has become a fact of life in this part of the world. Sad, but real.

You can p'y that the medical service would open up as soon as possible. As you can see, I'm pretty ticked off by it all as people travel hours to get to the hospital only to be turned back.... Where is justice for the people?

Today...

the internet is up and running in our temporary flat in Nepal, but only on P's laptop,
so, here I am catching up on blogging,

I used fresh basil that the flat owners have growing--absolutely delicious! I'm considering growing my own herbs too...

we learned a few more Nepali structures,
I took a long nap,
and enjoyed the nice breeze and no barking dogs that keep me up at night!

I chuckled as I received another email from one of my previous sixth grade students who is organizing a five year reunion next year,
it was just an idea that was thrown out at the end of the year four years ago,
but it looks like it will become a reunion... I'm so excited.

I was musing about about how much I love my husband while cooking,
but not only do I love him,
I LIKE him.

I need to catch up on emails but I'm feeling lazy.

at this very moment, the power went out, so I guess this is the end to my blogging for today.

Cravings Satisfied!

I have been craving really good Korean food for weeks now and tonight, my cravings were satisfied! I had kimchee jigae and P ordered bulgogi... Gosh, it was the best kimchee jigae I have had in a looooong time! Man, was it good! We were commenting how we can stay in Kathmandu for another 3 days just so that we can catch up on all the different types of food we have been missing. But, Pokhara has Korean food and we are happy about that!

Political Unrest

Last week was pretty intense here. The general public was pretty much on pins and needles due to the ethnic violence that was taking place in various areas throughout our city and its surrounding areas. I learned quickly that ethnic clashes, when they happen here, can flare up and get out of control really fast. After a couple of days of clashes, the army was called in to bring stability in the most affected areas. A curfew was called and the crowds dispersed.

We had three days of leadership retreat with a group of ch'rch leaders. It was supposed to be held in the hills. We went up Monday afternoon but a few hours later we heard that the pol'tical party up in the hills called for an indefinite strike and that all tourists were being evacuated. So we drove back down that evening and luckily someone was able to reserve a meeting place for us.

The retreat ended Thurs. afternoon and pol’tical parties in the plains had called a counter strike. Now no cars and public transportation were allowed to run here either. A few people got picked up on motor bikes and some had to stay behind one more night to see how the situation looked the next day. We took a bicycle rickshaw over to an ex-pat friend's house a few kilometers away and spent the evening at their place. I must admit that I felt a little nervous being on the road since I look like a Nep'li, but overall, I felt pretty safe sitting next to my husband who looked neither like a Nep'li nor a Beng'li. We definitely got lots of stares. The next day, P got up early and our friend drove him on his scooter to our place so that P could get our scooter and pick me up. It was definitely an adventure.... Starting Friday afternoon things started to calm down, shops opened up again, and people were out and about getting errands done. People from the hills started coming down in droves to buy vegetables and staples to take up to the hills in preparation for the indefinite strike which will start again Monday evening up in the hills. What we have heard is that our city will not be affected, but we shall see...

I've been p'ying for the situation here, for a peaceful resolution. I have been also thinking a lot about the ch'rch and how we are to respond as his body in situations like this... I feel like this agit’tion may go on for some time….

In midst of this going on, we have our tickets to leave on Tuesday for Nep'l for our three months intensive language study. We feel bad that we are leaving our friends at such a time as this. However, we have been also reminding ourselves that we need to keep the long-term vision in focus.

If you remember, please p'y. We all need it here!

I have been feeling more concerned about being monitored lately so if I sound a little vague or you feel like you have to read between the lines, I hope you understand....

You can read this article and watch a video for more info.
http://www.ibnlive.com/news/gorkha-group-to-block-darjeeling-hills-again/67201-3.html
http://www.ibnlive.com/videos/67201/gorkha-group-to-block-darjeeling-hills-again.html