Parallels between Pregnancy and the Kingdom of God

As I was spending some time with Jesus the other day, I was reminded that probably my most significant spiritual lessons have come from dealing with infertility. It really challenged me in multiple levels, but in particular it brought to surface my deeply ingrained view about how God "should" work or how I think He works, and in many ways my self-perception as being in control. But, it is through struggling through this particular issue of infertility that God brought to surface many of my sin, misconceptions, and in many ways destroying my illusion that I am in control. I remember someone describing me as "a person who knows what she wants and knows how to get it." The truth is, for most things in my life, if I decided that is what I wanted, I worked to achieve it. But, infertility-- now that was a whole new ball game. I could not get my body to do what many people easily seemed to achieve. For the next seven years, I learned through infertility that I am not in control but God is, especially when it comes to conceiving a new life. There were some really difficult moments, times of depression and hopelessness, but I met God in so many profound ways. For that, I am really grateful. I'm not sure if I could have learned some important lessons and truths about God, myself, humanity, and suffering had I not gone through it.

Now, that I am pregnant with our first baby, I feel as though I have been drawn even more deeply into the mystery of God. God is mysterious. For my daily Bible reading, I read through the book of Job the last couple of weeks and it provided me with more opportunities to consider God and His mysterious ways. And, when I reflect on this characteristic of God, I find myself kneeling before Him in humility. I find myself both in awe and in fear as I become aware that He is God and I am a creature. As I watch my belly starting to grow and as I feel the movement of the baby getting stronger and stronger, I find myself intrigued by this mysterious happening going inside me, invisible to my eyes. Something mysterious, wonderful, fearful, exciting, and marvelous is happening deep inside my womb, but the whole internal process is only visible to the eyes of God. What I experience, feel, and see are only small external signs of what is happening in the inside. This mysterious yet marvelous process absolutely amazes me and I see a new level of understanding of the fact that God alone can create life and that my life (and everyone else's) is in His hand.

I was sharing with P the other day how I feel like pregnancy (conception) can be paralleled to the Kingdom of God as described in Mark 4:23-32. I love these two parables about the Kingdom of God. One is the parable about a man who scatters seed on the ground, he sleeps and rises night and day, and the seed sprouts and grows. But he does not know how. The earth produces by itself in its different stages of growth and it becomes ripe, ready for the harvest. The other parable is of the mustard seed. In the same way, pregnancy feels that way to me. We see external signs of growth (or perhaps the lack thereof, which might be an indication that some thing is wrong), but how the growth happens, it is a mysterious process. I do what I can on my end by eating healthy food regularly, getting rest, and getting regular prenatal check-up, but at the end, the baby grows without my intimate knowledge of its most intricate process.

In the same way, I have been thinking about how there is an element of mystery in the Kingdom of God, how it grows, and what it becomes. We may see some external signs, but how it all happens, if we are honest, we have to admit that it is a mystery to us. We can do our part, but the growth God gives. There is definitely an element of us realizing that we are His workers, not the creator. When the time is ripe, it is time for harvest.

In the past, I think God's mysterious ways were more frustrating (and sometimes it still can feel that way for me) than worship producing. But I also feel as though I am experiencing a new level of understanding of God in His mystery which leads me to view myself rightly as His creature. It leads me to worship Him as the One who is so intimately loving and close, yet who is completely separate from me and not bound by me. He is God.

The Meaning of "With"

As I wrote in one of my previous blog entry, I have been experiencing a new level of contentment and joy with my life. Although nothing has changed on the outside, something has happened inside. I've been praying and asking the Holy Spirit to help me understand more what it is that has happened for me.

For those of you who have been keeping up with my blog and our updates, you probably know that the last half of 2007 and January of 2008 have been really difficult. With failures with IVF, struggles of transitioning to India and the sudden death of my friend and her son, I felt as though all I saw before me were losses. Life felt like one disappointment after another, one loss after another, and one grief after next.

In midst of all this I found Jesus in a new way. I loved Jesus in 2007 but I can say I love Him more now. Jesus has not changed, but I have come to know Him in a different way, in a new way, and I love this Jesus that I experienced during these ordeals.

It is Jesus, who became man, lived among us, suffered, and died. I spent a lot of time reflecting on Jesus, His life, and especially His suffering. As I spent time reflecting on Jesus' incarnation, his becoming flesh and blood, I began to really believe that He truly is able to understand and comfort me in my pain and losses and bring healing and redemption that we all ache for. Jesus' incarnation brought for me a new level of hope, which in turn gave me a new level certainty in Him in whom I put my trust, and I found myself experiencing a new level of intimacy in pain.

These days when I consider the profound love of God demonstrated through Jesus' flesh and blood life on earth, I find myself welling up in tears and wanting to worship Him. He didn't have to come and dwell among us. But, He chose to. He lived among us as a man--completely 100% man. He experienced displacement, hunger, fatigue, sickness, betrayal, misunderstanding, death of loved ones, beatings, struggling with His own heart as He faced suffering and death, and eventually an intensely painful death. There is nothing that Jesus cannot relate to. If anything, He is not only able to relate to whatever pain and loss I experience, but knows how to comfort me in it. I feel strengthened when I consider the fact that He himself experienced all of the human sufferings. I found comfort in Jesus. I found the meaning of Immanuel--God with us.

In return, this revelation of Jesus with me has created in me a new longing to be with the people here. It is incredible for me to think about the fact that Jesus spent the first thirty years of life living the daily routines of life (what we might consider "mundane") of chores, work, study, getting sick, seeing the poor, attending parties, etc. and being with the people. (It's a blog topic on its own.) I find courage reflecting on Jesus who became man. It makes me want to live among the people here and share with them this Jesus, who is with us today clothed in majesty yet in humility, in power yet in love, and in righteousness yet in grace.