Simple Stillness

I spent a lot of my time gazing out the windows in my hotel room while recovering from who knows what. I felt like writing a poem this morning. I'm not much of a poet but, I thought why not? (Unfortunately, I can't seem to get this blog to reflect the formatting of the poem.)

Simple stillness

Gazing out,
still roofs,
swaying palm trees,
unmovable hills,
muddy bay,

Looking beyond,
distance,
transfixed,
the horizon,

In company with other gazers,
happily lost,
in the moment
of serenity,
thoughts on a journey,
near,
and far,

Noise outside,
drowned out,
gentle quietness,
of my heart,
mind,
soul.

Simple stillness

Check Here for Updates on 2nd Round of IVF

I will be updating only in this posting section. So, for those who want to know more, you can check this specific posting from time to time.

Aug. 29: Yeah!! I got to leave my hotel room and eat breakfast in the hotel restaurant! I'm feeling much better. :) Tomorrow we head home.
______________________
Part 2: I'm not trying to be a drama queen here...hmm...maybe I just am. :0 Anyway, if you're starting to get sick of reading about my physical ailments, don't read on. I know there are some folks who wants to know what is happening and this is the quickest way to disseminate info...

So, maybe this post is jinxed (j/k) ;) because right after I posted saying my fever is down and etc. about 2 hours later, fever came back with force...this time 103.9! What is going on with my body? And you know how I said that my appetite is back?...forget it, it is gone! We'll see how I'm doing tomorrow and then, we'll decide whether to go visit a hospital. I've been rubbing my tummy, praying that the two embies are growing, and talking to them... "Hang in there. Don't give up on me because I haven't given up on you." I'd appreciate your prayers for good health for Paul, me, and the two embies.
_ _ _ _
August 27: So, after I posted my last blog saying how great I was feeling, a few hours later, I was pretty much in bed sick with a fever and a painful lower abdominal pain. It was so bloated. I don't know what brought about the sudden shift in the health condition...maybe it was eating too many pineapples, drinking hot tea at the hotel, or maybe it was the ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome? Who knows? Anyway, as you can see, I am feeling better, although I still have abdominal pain, but it is not as excruciating, fever is down, and I have my appetite back (which is always a good sign). This round of IVF has been much more challenging physically, but if we get a baby or two out of this, it would be all worth it!
_________________________
August 26: We had 2 embryos transferred last night (2 day transfer for those of you who are more technically aware). One had divided into 5 cells and the other to 3 cells. The doc said they both were grade A, meaning they looked good. This time around they did not have me under anesthesia, but I was awake for the whole thing! It was not bad at all, and I enjoyed talking with the docs, being aware of what is happening, and getting to eat right after the procedure (had to fast for half of the day). I feel good and positive. My gut intuition says this one will work! :) I really hope so. Now, comes the most difficult part--the two weeks of waiting. I'm planning to not obsess over it as much as I can and try not to interpret every little physical sign....easier said than done. :)

If this cycle is a dud, we'll talk again what we will do... the doc basically said he would recommend egg donor or adoption because my eggs are no good, even with the highest dosage given..... but right now, I'm just praying for the two precious cells inside. Please keep them & us in your prayers. (By the way, we're praying for twins. Then, we'll be done! unless we decide we want more.... :) We head home on the 30th and go in for beta test on Sept.8, although the result will be available a few days later.
_______________________
Aug. 24: Last night we had eight eggs retrieved (we were all surprised bc we were all expecting maybe four). Today, we learned that only two have made it to single cell--fertilization. I'm feeling still kind of raw from the news. As you can imagine, I have a lot of thoughts running through my mind and I'm sad. Only two.... Please pray that the two will survive, that the cells will divide and become healthy embryos. We need a miracle here. I go in tomorrow night for the transfer...hopefully we will have two to transfer.
_______________________
Aug.22: We're going in for egg retrieval on Thurs. at 6pm and then shortly after that fertilization will happen. My fever is gone although I still have stomach cramps and feeling nauseated. I have complete aversion to food right now (I know, I can't believe it myself), which sucks because there are plenty of options here for seafood and etc. Right now, all I want to eat is saltine crackers and 7-up....maybe this is good preparation for the first trimester? ;)
______________________
August 18: It looks like we have four follicles that look normal, one that might be a cyst and one small one. So, it can be anywhere between 4-6 follicles, kind of similar to the last cycle. Please pray that they grow to become good viable eggs. I have another appointment on Tues. for a blood test to see if they can learn more about the quality of the eggs, and another ultrasound. We'll learn more on Tues. and until then, continue with the shots....I had a chocolate croissant for comfort food. :)
_________________________
Aug. 16: We're in Mumbai, settled in our hotel, borrowing someone's wireless and resting. Our flight from Kolkata to Mumbai was cancelled, but the sister airline put us on their flight, and arrived in Mumbai earlier than scheduled! :) We have our first doctor's appointment tomorrow to see how many follicles are growing.

On Friendship

Making friends in India has been much more difficult than I had expected. Most people so far have fallen more in the “acquaintance” category than in the “friends”. I don’t have very much in common with folks – you know that “initial common thread” that helps you to kind of “click” together? A few people that I now consider my friends are either married with no kids and/or more educated Nepalis, or ex-pats who are a little older than me. It has been encouraging to feel like now I am able to have “deeper” heart conversations in Nepali. Hopefully, as my language ability improves, my circle of friendship will deepen and expand.

In the last couple of weeks, some of my friends have been going through tough times. Recently, one friend tragically lost one of her closest colleagues and friends in an accident in Siliguri. Another friend received heart wrenching news that a family member has incurable tuberculosis. One friend opened up and shared they have been infertile for 5 years as I shared about our infertility. Interestingly, in midst of sharing in each other’s problems, pain, and sufferings, we have quickly entered a new level of intimacy in our friendships.

These recent events have caused me to ponder about friendship. What brings strangers together to form a bond, sometimes life long ones? Why is it that some become friends while others remain acquaintances? At what point does someone move from an acquaintance to a friend? It seems that most often, friendships develop with the discovery of something in common with the other person. Initially, it might be common love for sushi (my mouth is salivating), a purpose, music, or whatever. That initial thing that brings two or more people together is important in getting the friendship engine rolling. However, after some time, some friendships will go deeper, others will remain where it is, and some will drift off forever or rediscovered later. There are those friendships that will last a life time while others are gifts for a certain season in life. Most friendships, if not all, will have to weather through changes as we continue to change and grow (or not grow) as people. Each change offers a new opportunity for growth and deeper appreciation (or sometimes for resentment because change can be hard). But, isn’t this part of friendship? That we get to walk with each other through these milestones and transitions whether from a distance, up close, once a month, or daily? When I think about my friendships there are varying degrees of intimacy, history, and that natural clicking. Each one is different and unique, but I love and appreciate the differences.

I finally feel like I have a few friends here with the potential of becoming good friends. We will see how they evolve and grow over time, but I am thankful that I have some people here that I can call my friends! (Off on tangent, I find it quite amazing that Jesus calls us his friends! Wow! It is definitely worth more reflection.) How lucky we are when we find good friends. They are definitely keepers and worth cultivating! I love you my friends!

Counter

Today, I put a counter in my blog. I am just curious to know how many of my friends and supporters are actually reading it or just stopping by if only for a moment. Thanks for reading my musings, for those of you who stop by! Come and visit us again! (Gee, I sound like a business sign...) :)

Khusi!

Khusi means "Happy" in Nepali and I believe in Hindi. Khusi is over 7 months old weighing only about 7 pounds. Just a week ago, the father approached Cindy, my ex-pat friend who works in the slum area and asked if she would be willing to take her in for a few months to help her bring to health. After she and her family prayed about it, they decided they are ready for the task. She was able to get all the necessary documents signed and notarized in the court (all in one day!) with the help of community leaders. While Khusi is living there, I am working to look for a Hindi speaking or a Bihari Christian family who will give her the loving care she needs for about 1 year. The father will visit once a week to maintain contact. Pray for Khusi. She truly is a delight... I have been amazed at her alertness level and her engagement level with people even though she is severely malnourished.

Khusi and me being "khusi--happy" together.

Khusi after 1 week of loving care--she looks so much healthier!

What to write about?

Ahh!! Lately, I’ve been feeling like I have so much I want to write about. But, it has been difficult to put words together in semi-interesting and coherent form. It is like my brain is only able to cope with one thing—trying to manage the heat. I tried a couple of days ago, but I couldn’t do it. It felt like a chore. Lately, I have had a lot that I’ve been musing about, processing, and experiencing…. So, where to begin and what to write?

Hmm… well, after taking four showers per day for the last four days, the rain has come again! It is so refreshing! Hopefully, it won’t lead to another flooding though… Maybe, that’s why I can write now, because my brain is ticking again now that is a little cooler.

Okay, I think I will start with what I am thinking about right now and move backwards… I won’t be able to write everything here, so maybe in a couple of days I can decide what I really want to write about…

I really hope that this second round of IVF is successful. We want to become parents, but right now the more urgent desire is that I won't have to keep going to the clinics for ultrasounds and the poking. Paul is great at giving me injections so no problem there. But, I really don’t like going to the clinics here in Sil'guri. The first time I went in for blood tests and an ultrasound, I was pretty much traumatized. And it was supposed to be one of the nicer hospitals too! Today, I tried a different one. It was better because they didn’t insist that I had to drink 2 litres of water for an abdominal ultrasound when the doc specifically ordered the other kind (I wrote on the doctor’s order this time that "no abdominal ultrasound is needed" because I had to fight last time and I didn’t win). Today, I went on the patient table and there was something wet. I have had to strip down and change behind thin transparent curtains while the male doctors sat and looked. (The docs don't leave...I don't know why.) They don’t explain much, even when I ask questions. (It's not language problem because they all speak English very well.) This morning, during the ultrasound scan, I literally felt like telling the doc to turn the ultrasound monitor toward me so that I can tell him what I see. He told me I had three cysts, but I swear, they looked like three follicles when I sat up a little bit so that I can have a quick glance at the monitor. (By the way, I was right. The lab report came back saying I had 3 follicles and no cysts!) You go to the doctor because you trust that they can help you. I mean, where else do you find people willing to strip themselves so that a stranger can poke you around? Only in a doctor’s office…. It’s sad, but the data that I receive, I’m not certain if I can trust. But, I feel reluctant to get a second opinion because I feel kind of abused each time I visit the clinics here. Sigh… One of my ex-pat friend was sharing the other day that lack of good medical care is one of the biggest cost she feels living here. Good medical care/facility is a huge need in Sil'guri. It is the central hub for all of the northeastern India. There is a huge business opportunity, if not service opportunity! Does anyone know what it takes to open and staff an excellent hospital in a third world country?

In contrast, the IVF clinic in Mumbai is awesome. The clinic is not exactly like the ones in the States, but it is the best I have seen so far. More importantly, I trust the doctors there. They actually talk to me, explain, and don’t poke me around unnecessarily! They have good bedside manner, leave the room so that I can change with some privacy, and seem very competent. I’m looking forward to going to Mumbai, and hoping that this will be my last visit.

Well, it’s already long so I think I will stop here... I didn't think I would write about this, but now you know how I feel about medical care in Sil'guri.

A Joking Culture

One thing I really enjoy and love about the Nepali people is their sense of humor. They are hilariously funny and love to joke around. Many times, the jokes are play on words and a combination between joke telling and teasing. I am auditing an organizational leadership program for Nepalis that Cindy Perry told me about and met some great people doing good work in Nepal and here. I learned TONS from my interactiopns with them, by the questions they asked, and felt like I got a course in Nepali leadership issues just by being there. I laughed a lot too and joked around with people as much as I could. Here are some photos.

I'm holding a sign that reads, म नेपलि होइन."I am not Nepali." I joked around a lot with these two men (Tuk & Kamal) and they teased me a lot too. I shared one time that sometimes they speak so quickly that I can't understand what they are saying. They said back, "You look just like a Nepali so we forget." I responded with "Don't you see on my forehead the words, 'I am not Nepali, please speak slowly.'" After that, we were unstoppable.

Some of the students--the guy with two thumbs up (Rajesh) lives in my city. When I first met him, he seemed so serious, but really he can have people rolling on the floor with laughter. When I told him that I thought he was really serious at first, he shared most people tell him that. I like this Rajesh better!

With Binu & Krishna--We tested the same on leadership style out of 18 people. We're the goal driven, take charge ones, sometimes negatively labeled as "bossy." ;)

Three days of no rain...

After almost a week and a half of unceasing heavy rain, we have had some relief the last few days. For me, it has meant sleeping in the night without worrying about how I’m going to walk across my street so that I can catch my ride. Last week I attended a week long seminar for Nepali leaders. It was an hour commute each way on the bus and on the auto rickshaw, which meant I had to leave home early in the morning. I didn’t sleep well at all last week because as it rained all night long I was wondering if the street would be completely flooded and how I would make it across. Although our back road was (and still is) completely flooded, the main road always had a small strip where you can walk.

I have been also getting larger loads of laundry done and rewashing everything that has mildew growing. We also took the opportunity yesterday to cross the border into Nepal to get our visa renewed. We have to leave the country every 6 months and our time was coming up. Although it was hot, we figured it’s easier to do this process in dry weather than in the rain. So, we crossed the border, walked around a little bit, got cold drinks, then we crossed back into India. The whole process took us 4 hours from getting there to coming back and the same officers processed everything, but they just smiled and gave us no hassle.

However, no rain equals hot! It is amazing how much the temperature dips with the rain. Last week, we slept with a sheet over us without the fan running. Last night, we had two fans running to keep us cool. The weather here is quite tempermental. It can change any minute!

The monsoon has displaced millions of people in India, Bangladesh, and in Nepal. The worst hit states in India are Bihar, Uttar Pradesh and parts of Assam. I read that they have not had rain the last 3 days too allowing for humanitarian aids to reach some of these remote areas…. I am praying that malaria or some form of epidemic doesn’t break out and that food and medical resources reach these areas soon and quickly.

This is my first monsoon experience. I don’t know if Indians feel this way, but I feel like I have a love and hate sentiment toward it….I love it that it cools down everything and clears up the smog. I hate it that it that streets get flooded, people’s homes are destroyed and millions are displaced, new kinds of bugs seem to pop up everywhere, and mildew grows on anything slightly moist. Which would I prefer? The sunny seemingly perfect weather of southern California! I am a southern Californian…. a weather wimp.