Pray for the 22...

This blog will be short as I'm using my mobile phone to access internet as ours have been down all day. Please pray for the 22 Koreans who are held as captives in Afghanistan. You probably have heard by now that the 42 year old pastor, Bae Hyeong-gyu who is the founder of the church has died. There is a debate as to whether he was shot 10 times in the head, chest, and stomach after he had already passed away due to illness (had lung problem) or he was murdered. But in either case, a life has been lost. It is hard for me to understand the senseless brutality we see in the world... I am sad and have been praying even more urgently for the captives. I can't imagine the sorrow that the family and the church must be going through at the loss. We have hope, for death does not have the final word in Jesus, but nevertheless, the pain is very real too I imagine. If possible, if God willing, I am praying that the rest would be released and no more lives would be lost.... I'm not sure if the actual number is 22, as I have heard that 8 may have been released... I have also been wondering about what kind of effect this would have on the future of missions in Korea... I pray for comfort that only our Father can give and for courage for the 22, their families, and for the Korean churches. I pray that the gospel will spread and that the Afghans would know how much Jesus really loves them as they hear about this incident.

On a completely different note, I would appreciate your prayers that rain would cease in Sil'guri for a couple of days. It literally has been raining non-stop since last night (heavy rain), the river is rising (already homes have been lost), and we really need a break! Our street is deluged and it is becoming quite difficult and uncomfortable to move around in.

23 Kidnapped Koreans

I've been keeping up daily with what is happening in Afghanistan with the 23 kidnapped Korean Christians. I can't help it, but at times like this I am acutely reminded again that deep inside I still identify myself with Koreans even after 25+ years of living in America. I find myself deeply concerned for the welfare of the twenty-three... much more so than when I heard about Heather Mercer and Dana Cury who were kidnapped during the Taliban regime. Frankly, I think it's because they are Koreans. I am praying while I can that He would bring the 23 back to Korea safely. You can go to this site to watch a youtube video encouraging people to pray. Please pray. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DXASxck3htI

This intense situation (along with the horrible Virginia Tech incident) has made me think to about my identity. I used to call my self "Korean-American," but here in India, I've become "Korean." When people ask me, "Where are you from?" I answer, "Korea," even though I hold an American passport. It makes more sense to them, but if I say, "I'm from America," they look at me with a puzzled look. In many ways, it makes my life a lot simpler just to answer Korea. (In America, I changed my name to Rebecca because I couldn't stand having my name mutilated and having to correct it all the time and now, I'm answering Korea because I don't want to get into this long explanation about my life, although I end up having to in order to explain how Paul and I met. Actually, I have even used an Indian name "Rekha" here with folks I meet at the market or acquaintances for simplicity sake. They know how to write it and pronounce it the first time.) The truth is I feel fine saying, "I am Korean," but in all honesty, I would feel quite uncomfortable saying, "I am an American." I feel like I have better idea what being a Korean is like, but what does it really mean that one is an American? I am definitely an American citizen, but I'm not sure what it means to be an American. Anyway, I'm afraid I will start going off into a tangent and we will all be confused... it's too complex to try to write out all my thoughts about this in a blog.

Moving on... sometimes, I do think about what our kids would say (when God gives us children) when someone asks, "Where are you from?" Do they say, "I'm from India?" or "I'm from America?" or go into this long explanation that their mom is a Korean, who was born there, but lived in America most of her life, and their dad is a mix of German, Irish, and English (or simply, he is an "American" ) and that I (the child) was born in India or Bangkok, or wherever, but I live in India... I guess we'll get there when that happens.

The truth is when I speak Nepali really well, they will ask me what "jaaThi" (ethnic group) I am... a Lepcha, a Rai, a Gurung, etc.? Maybe this identity thing will never end for me. For now, I am Korean, and back in the States, I am a Korean-American, but for many here, I'll just leave them keep guessing. :) One identity that never changes no matter where I am is that I am a Christian. No identity crisis there!

My Favorite Ring Tone!

This was the best birthday gift ever--most original for sure (and much better than a frying pan I got for my 30th... there is actually a funny story with this.)!! Two thumbs up to Paul. He completely surprised me. I got a new ring tone reminding me that my phone is ringing! Listen to it!!

Yee Mo..Again!

I'm going to be a yee-mo (aunt in Korean) again! My sister is expecting #3!!! It's actually old news, but I wanted to give some time before I published my excitement so that she had her chance to announce hers! I am SO thrilled! They would like a girl this time around, but if the baby is a boy, that's great too. When Eunjoo shared with Jesh and Seth that they're going to have a baby brother or sister, Jesh asked if she had "4 eggs or 1 egg." I guess he was tracking with our IVF process.... such a smart little one. Spring 2008 is going to be a fun-busy time for the Lee family! My brother, Daniel is getting married in April, and my sister is having a baby sometime probably in March! I'm so looking forward to being reunited with my family again!

My favorite sister Eunjoo, Aaron, my level-headed brother-in-law, and two lovely nephews (and #3 baby invisible to the eyes!)

My brother, Daniel and my future sister-in-law, Grace. (By the way, my other sister-in-law is also Grace! I don't know what it is with women named Grace and my brothers! ) :)Doesn't he look like Asian Matt Damon?

Kids are Great!

They are the same no matter where you are. They laugh, smile, cry, throw tantrums, love candies, adore attention and praises, are embarrassingly honest, and just love playing and having fun! They are mesmerized by stories and are like little memory sticks that store up information you would have never ever remembered as an adult! (Even more charming, they use that information when you least expect it!) I love being around them.

I have to share a story here. My sister shared how she came home one night and was furious because exterminators had come and sprayed the house even though she had said she didn’t want it. She was livid. Jeshua, her four year old says to her, “Mom, let’s give them grace. Let’s call them and tell them we forgive them.” That made her stop her ranting. Then, he says to her, “Mom, are you being my teacher?” Often she would ask Jeshua that question as a way to let him know that he is like a teacher to his little brother, Seth. What he does, he either teaches Seth something good or bad. He stored that info somewhere in his little brain and used it on his mom when it was appropriate. She said she ate humble pie that night!

Today, I wanted to explore what Sunday school was like for kids at the church we have recently started attending. It was a little chaotic when I first went in. There was a little 3 year old girl crying, kids were a little surprised by my visit, and of course the teacher asked me to teach. I told her I will teach another day, but today, I am here to get to know the kids and watch. She asks me if I want to teach again 3 minutes later, and I give the same answer. I held Maskas, the crying 3 year old on my lap while the other kids sang songs in Hindi, Nepali, and English. I even got to join in on their dancing and singing once the girl calmed down and it was so much fun! (It was so much more fun than listening to the sermon… shhhhh.)

I also laughed quietly to myself as I watched the kids eventually get bored. The teacher wasn’t prepared, (that’s why she wanted me to teach!) and it doesn’t take very much effort to lose a child’s attention. They were so inquisitively looking at their fingernails, poking each other, asking for water, “Can I go and play?” and just looking bored. When kids are bored, they can’t hide it like adults can. But, I also realized it doesn’t take very much to engage them either. One interesting question or a story, and their eyes become wide and they quickly forget about the person sitting next to them or that interesting black stuff in their finger nails. They stare at you as if YOU ARE the story itself. When I asked if they can tell me their name, each one proudly stood upright (the Indian way) and told me their names. Of course, I had to ask them to repeat it a couple of time! And, you know when you mispronounce their names they are not embarrassed to correct you! They correct you until you get it right (even looking a little annoyed that such a big person can’t get it right!)! I LOVE it!

Last night, we were hanging out with some ex-pats and Paul started bouncing and tossing kids into the air. This two year old boy kept coming back again and again with no shame and no regard for Uncle Paul’s poor arms. Finally, Paul said he was finished and the toddler was off to something else that caught his interest. No fear of rejection or even fear of falling, but instead he had complete confidence that this lanky guy would want to play and catch him in mid-air. I covet the trust that they display!

Last week, Paul was on the phone with Jeshua. They must have spent over 20 minutes just talking about the solar system. Jeshua, my adorable 4 year old nephew wants to become an astronaut and he is fascinated with the solar system. He was spewing facts about planets that I didn’t even know and Paul went on line looking up facts about Jupiter, Mars. And then they were off to jellyfish and other stuff. He thinks it’s so interesting that we have geckos in our house and that cows roam around our streets! I love how curious they are. They are genuinely interested. If they're not, they move on to something else! They lack the sophistication required for pretense. I love how they share what they have learned so openly and are so eager to engage with you over those matters because they think you must be interested too! They can wear you out, but at least you know you will have some fun along the way! It’s a guarantee!!

Jeshua & us having a fun conversation about something in Thailand in Feb.07...

"If" by Rudyard Kipling

Before starting the IVF cycle, we had decided that we would do another round if it failed. We knew it would be harder to make that kind of decision after a failure. This morning I was sharing with Paul my "doubts" about doing another round of IVF, especially as there is no guarantee that it will be successful and whether it will be worth the expense. He quoted a few words from this poem (highlighted in green) that he remembered. I liked it so much that I had to look up the whole poem. I loved it....beautiful, wise, inspiring, and challenging.

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son! (or a Woman my daughter!--my edition!)

Nuggets of Wisdom

Two nuggets of wisdom/prayer that are profound yet so practical which have been speaking to me recently:

"Pray as if everything depends on God,
act as if everything depends on us."
Ignatius of Loyola

"God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things that should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other."
Reinhold Niebuhr

How did I end up Here?

Have you ever experienced waking up one morning and thinking, “How did I end up here?” I did, yesterday, on my 35th birthday. Don’t worry, I’m not having a mid-life crisis or bouts of regret...well, I think I'm not. :) And, I’m not asking this question because I have no idea how I ended up “here.” In reality, I know how I arrived at where I am in life. But, it was the first thought that I woke up with on the morning of joining the ranks of the mid-30’s crowd.

The funny thing is, I remember some of my other “birthday thoughts” often associated with significant milestones.

Age 13: “In three years, I will be able to drive!”
Age 16: “I will be going to college in two years! Whoo hoo!!”
Age 18: “I better get my U.S. citizenship so that I can vote.”
Age 21: “When I am 25, I can rent a car for a road trip.” (Forgetting that I probably would have a car of my own by then! – And I was so innocent, I didn’t even think about the legal drinking age or getting plastered!)
Age 30: “I am really happy with where I am in life.”
Age 31: “Oh no, I’m getting older!” (Which was supposed to hit me at 30, but I was delayed a year!)
Age 35: “How did I end up here?”

“How did I end up here?” It’s really a rhetorical question in some ways. You know, that question you ask, when you’re kind of surprised that you are where you are, even though you know how and why you are where you are? (Did that make any sense?) The question really reflects my shock at some of the things that have come along with moving to India. I would have NEVER EVER thought I would be “here.”

First of all, I can't stand heat, but more than that humidity! I remembering getting off the plane in Bangkok in 1999 and praying, "God, please don't send me here. It's too hot and humid." So, it is a complete shock to find myself living in India. And of all places in India, a place called S’liguri where it is hot and humid. I remember expressing to Paul a few years ago as we were talking about places we’d want to visit and I said, “If we don’t get to India, I would be fine.” No particular reasons, I just wasn't interested in it. Who would have guessed I would be living in a place where I had no prior interest or fascination with?

“How did I end up here?” I am 35 years old and ….I can’t even communicate clearly with folks that I live and work with. I have no close friends within 7,000 miles. I have little in common with many of the people I am working with. We come from a very different educational, social, cultural, and economic background, and their expectation for what life should be like as women are so far from my expectations. ("Working in the home" takes on new meaning here, where domestic tasks are much more consuming. Sometimes we feel that wifes double as servants, fetching things so the husband doesn't have to get up. We were invited over to someone's house and the husband entertained us, but the wife only served us tea, spending all the time in the kitchen.) I have no kids after almost 8 years of marriage and people think I am strange. I ride around in small three wheel “auto rickshaws” (designed for 4) with 8 people squeezed in so tightly that you can feel each other’s perspiration – even if you prefer not to. My favorite past time has become killing bugs. I am no longer scared to pick up dead bugs with my fingers or even kill them with my bare hands. Geckos have become my new friends because they eat bugs, even if I have to sweep up their poop in the morning - I get bummed when they’re gone. I wear the same clothes every week and the same two pairs of shoes. I only have one hair style—up and away from my face. Instead of living in the traditional American suburb with safe streets and the proverbial “white picket fence” neighborhood, my street doubles as a toilet for passersby, and a number of neighbors who don’t have proper facilities of their own. I have eaten more cauliflower this past year than all my years put together. What I eat is pretty much the same vegetables with some variation in seasoning. We might be lacking in variety, but we’re eating really healthy! I am dripping in sweat all the time, even when I am cooking, and I have developed B.O! How did I end up here?

This blog may sound a little negative, but honestly, I am chuckling at myself as I am writing. I guess I find it all too funny to find myself “here.” I would have never imagined I would be living this life at age 35! It’s too funny on good days and really irritating on bad days! I had not fully realized that saying yes to our calling also came with some of my current experiences, but I trust that God has a purpose for bringing us "here."

B.O., Mosquitoes, and Laughter

I have a confession to make. I can count with my fingers the number of times I have put on deodorant. You might find this a little gross, but it's the truth. I tried wearing deodorant, but I quickly learned that I didn't sweat enough to give off that nasty body odor. So, I stopped using it altogether.

Anyway, on Thursday, Paul and I took a shared jeep to S'kkim for work, where 12 of us were packed side-by- side for a four hour ride up to the hills. It was pretty hot below and I sweat quite a bit. When we arrived in the hills and checked into a hotel, I noticed a foul smell....the smell of BAD B.O.! I wondered, "Why does this room smell like B.O? Did they not clean it well?" I was trying to figure out the origin of the odor.

Lo and behold, I thought I would sniff myself just in case, and to my utter shock, the B.O. was coming from no other place than MY OWN body! It was so gross.... What is even more gross is that I went to sleep without taking a shower. I was exhausted, it was cold up there, and the electricity went out which meant we couldn't heat up the water....I just cleaned under my armpits enough to kill a little bit of that horrible smell, and went to bed. I think I will now wear deodorant! (Is this TMI?) :)

After quickly falling asleep, I was woken up by a buzzing sound of a blood thirsty mosquito. I don't know why, but mosquitoes love my blood. I woke determined to kill that mosquito before it bit me. I knew that it was an end to a good night sleep for me until it was destroyed! Paul also woke up. The two of us, dozing on and off were going after the mosquito. "Smack!" "Over there!" "Ah, darn it, we missed it!" "Stay still....it will come again..."At one point, I started laughing really hard. It was just too humorous to think about how much our lives had changed since coming to India. I couldn't help but to just laugh.... After two hours of intense battle, Paul managed to smash that blood sucking pest when it landed on our sheet. Victory was ours! We slept soundly after that.

Confirmed..No Pregnancy

I went in today to take another urine test as suggested by my doc, and I was surprised to learn that my Beta HCG blood test result had come in. It said: "HCG NOT DETECTED." So, it is confirmed: I am not pregnant.

The blood test result was not scheduled to come in until next Monday. I received it as grace from God so that I can have some closure and move forward. I am bummed, but I still feel hopeful that God will grant us children in His time.

We're going to try naturally this month and meanwhile, plan for another IVF cycle. God's ways are mysterious and we trust He knows what is best for us even in our disappointment.

"Surely, goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life...." Psalm 23:6