Part of the process

We have a little less than two weeks before we are heading back to the States. Am I excited? Yes. I am looking forward to seeing family and friends again. But, it is going to be a very short stay so we're trying our best to manage our time back well and not come back feeling wiped out from too many fun activities.

As I have been thinking about going back, one of the things that has resurfaced again is grief over Midi and Nathan's death. The day after my niece Mila was born, I spent a good 10 minutes crying over Midi and Nathan's death. I think the first time when I received the news of their accident and death, I cried for my loss--that of a wonderful friend and her young son. But this time around, I cried for Mark and Lucas' loss. I have yet to meet my niece face to face, but I could already feel the deep attachment and love for her. If anything happened to my nephews or my niece, the pain would be excruciating and I felt as though I understood a little bit of the excruciating pain Mark shared about losing his son in his blog. The pain of Mark and Lucas' loss felt more real and it came when I was least expecting it.

What came next was this intense fear of driving when I am back in the States. It kind of sounds irrational but I felt really afraid thinking about driving a car, especially with any little children in the car. I don't feel it as intensely now, but it's still there. I remember feeling a little bit of it when I first heard, but it went away pretty fast. But this time around, it came back with full force as I realized one of the things I probably will do is drive a car when I am back. It's probably another part of the grieving process--fear.

One of the things that I am "looking forward" to doing is visiting Midi and Nathan's burial site. I was telling a friend that one of the things that I thought about doing was bringing a bowl of nyaeng-myun with me to the grave and eating some there... Our last moment together was enjoying that cold Korean noodle. It didn't feel as "ridiculous" of an idea when my friend shared that her husband would sometimes take a bottle of wine to his father's grave, drink a glass, and pour a glass down on to the grass. I probably won't end up having the cold noodle there but I think it will be good to visit and remember some good times together.

I am not sure how I would feel being there.... it's kind of hard to predict what my emotional response will be like. It still feels kind of surreal to me. I am thankful that I don't have to wait a whole another year to do this.

In Memory of Midi Kim Mikasa

This morning, I woke up around 3:30 a.m., tired but wide awake. I thought it was around 6ish in the morning, but still dark outside. I woke up thinking about my friend Midi and her son Nathan, and as I looked over at my watch, I realized it was 1 p.m. back in Los Angeles. The viewing was just getting

(With Midi and Anne)
started. To be honest, I’m not sure how I would have handled being at the viewing. Perhaps it would give me a sense of closure, but emotionally, if I am honest, I don’t feel quite ready to see them that way. When I thought about being at the viewing, I felt a sudden rush of sadness over me. A part of me wanted to yell out, “No. This isn’t true. It is all a bad dream.” I spent some time in prayer and looking at some photos of them before turning in to sleep again.

The burial and the memorial service are being held in the late morning today (Friday CA time). It will be happening while I am deep in my sleep here. So, while I am awake tonight, I want to spend some time remembering Midi.

A couple of days ago I talked with my college friend Diane and we helped each other remember some fun times the three of us had together. We were reminiscing about the time we all decked out in our old “prom” dresses and went to watch the musical, “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat.” I’m not sure what inspired us to do this, but we did….and I think we all decided to wear red bandana with our outfits. We had a blast together that night….I think we were freshmen or sophomores… I still have that photo somewhere in my album back in the States. Then, we were chuckling about the time we were hanging out in the balcony of our staff worker’s apartment pretending to smoke cigars. Again, I’m not sure what inspired us but I remember cracking up together and we couldn’t stop laughing. During our sophomore year in college, Diane, Midi, and I were we were in an accountability group together. We were learning how to be good accountability partners and one of the staff members was coaching us. We had a lot of deep times sharing our struggles and pains – but we also had much fun together. Sometimes we were laughing so hard that it was hard to pray.

I remember going to San Francisco with Mark (Midi’s husband) and we were all kind of a little freaked out about him driving stick shift on those steep hills. But we had so much fun cheering him on as he didn’t roll back. I remember the day that Mark shared he liked Midi and wanted to pursue “deeper friendship” with her. I remember the day Midi shared how much she liked Mark. I remember their wedding, and the news of being pregnant with twins – everything feels like it was only yesterday. Where did the time go? I remember the times of prayers together even after college, the many bridal showers, baby showers, and, before leaving for India, my last Korean cold noodle meal with her in K-town at one of her favorite restaurants. Gosh, I will miss her terribly.

Midi, with her warmth, her down to earth self confidence, and her compassion really knew how to make people feel welcomed, loved, and accepted. She loved Jesus and loved others. She could be serious but knew how to have a good laugh too. Midi’s hallmark was that no matter who you are, if you spent time with her, you would come back feeling encouraged, comforted, and cared for – it's that feeling that you have as you leave realizing how much you really enjoyed yourself and how much you are looking forward to getting together again. Midi knew how to love people well, and I am grateful that God gave me her as a friend to experience God’s kindness, enjoyment, and love through and with her.

Midi Kim Mikasa, a part of me doesn’t want to accept that you are gone and sometimes I wish that it is all just a horrible dream that I could wake up from. But, I know that it is an expression of my longing to see you one more time, to have one more meal together, and to laugh heartedly once more. I know I cannot in this life time, but I know that I will get to when we are with Jesus. I really wish we can honor you and Nathan in person at your memorial service.... Thank you for the sweet memories (many of them of us laughing or praying together) and for being a good friend over the years. I love you and I will miss you terribly, more than words can express…. Until we see each other again in glory, may you and Nathan rest in peace.

If you are interested in helping them during this difficult time, donations may be made to the Midi and Nathan Mikasa Memorial Fund or Lucas Mikasa Trust Fund at Hanmi Bank, 2370 Crenshaw Blvd. Suite H, Torrance, CA 90501. Call 310-781-1200.

Grieving the Loss of a Dear Friend

I am grieving the loss of a dear friend Midi Mikasa and Nathan, one of her twin boys. Although it has been a couple of days since I received the news of their passing, I feel like I am still in a state of shock and in a daze. Tears are unstoppable and I find myself uttering the words in my mind, "I can't believe she is no longer here with us." It is hard sharing in this loss so far away from others too, although it has been helpful to call, cry, and talk with other college friends. I think the fact that I cannot be at the funeral makes the loss doubly hard to deal with.

Midi and Mark, and their twins, Nathan and Lucas, were on their way home from a family gathering on New Year's Day when their van was broadsided by a pick up truck. Midi died at the scene and Nathan died at the hospital the next morning. Mark and Lucas suffered some minor injuries but they are okay. They are back home. If you live in the LA area you most likely have heard about this in the news as it was a hit and run. They are still looking for the driver of the pick up truck.

I've known Midi since college freshman year (over 15 years). How can one describe 15 years of friendship in a few words in a blog.... I don't think I can and I'm not going to try....at this time. I will miss her terribly--her compassion, her genuine love, her warmth, and laughter. Midi was a special gift to many of us--a safe place to share and pour out our hearts knowing that we would be cared for. I can't imagine what Mark is going through.....and the road that lies ahead is a difficult one too. In a split second, his life has been changed forever. However, I know that Mark and Lucas are surrounded by people who love them dearly. Many have been praying for God to somehow cover them in his comforting presence during this painful time. It is a difficult time for all of us who are mourning this loss. It is difficult to understand this kind of senseless death and I'm not sure if we will ever fully understand until we see Jesus again. Nevertheless, we are trusting that God, in his sovereignty and goodness can and will bring hope, healing, and redemption to this horrific situation. It is a time mixed with deep sorrow and eternal hope. Please pray for Mark, Lucas, and the rest of their families during this time.